it's the end of an era, mum retired today. i signed up for a creative upcycling free course this month, and hopefully doing batik silk painting as well on another. and one on ayurveda which is just an intro to it but still. i already know some basics on it, but the other two will be great to try out. just hope i can get transport to the batik.
focusing on the self love and self nourishment and everything from within. getting to bed earlier, i hope. things shall be fine in this moment of change.
today i finally started to get on top of the clothes mess in my room. and it feels like an opportunity to re-commit back to my health and an abundance of good things for my wellbeing; eating less but well and sleeping well. prioritising sleep. rich and i are in contact again - seeing how that goes. we went through our past and it was healing in some ways, especially looking back as an adult now.
i don't understand why the culmination of the past month and a bit had to happen today. he finally gave me a proper conversation and work through. still mixed messages from him in some respects. i know there'll always be stuff unresolved, twenty one yrs or so is too long not to have. maybe this is what i have to make do with? human capacity and all. i will always love and care for him. thank you, rich.
it's amazing seeing things unfold. rich stirred up old parts of me that i've already healed anyway, so it's nice to remember how far i've come with happiness and peace being an inside job - no one gets to assume who i am anymore and that affect me in any way. let them. it's also sad to have to let go of him again, and to go through the past once more. but hey, there's something to be learned here too.
i went bk to writer's today, although in hindsight i'm not sure how many good days are left to try out the community garden stuff. but anyways, gonna cancel monday's dance stuff and relax.
can i forgive him? i feel better when he's not in my life messaging. but knowing he's there to reach out to is comforting. what happened to me was as a result of me clinging on for dear life due to the trauma and stuff i was suffering due to parents and abuse and isolation. i forgive myself. but do i forgive him?
