Self-healer.

Today I got sent a link by AK and it was about Dr. Shefali. I'd already heard of her and seen some of her work being promoted/her IG. But it just goes to show (after listening to an hour webinar from her on Mindvalley) that I have been healing generations of trauma and unresolved fears/authoritative parenting etc. My mother denies her feelings and my father tried to get me to suppress and deny my own when I was a child. It is so amazing just seeing yet another perspective on how I am doing hard work that no one else in my family will, nor ever has.

This has just validated me ten-fold, and I know the path I am on and the one I have chosen is the right one for me. No matter how lonely it is, Will (the guy I am meeting tomorrow) reminds me that I can build things up again from scratch. I have done this before, and I can do it again. I can stand in my power all over again, but this time from a deeper understanding and a more grown perspective. Every time I meet my pain; feel it and befriend it with compassion, I am able to conquer and overcome more layers of healing, and can stand back up again with fully soft and mighty force.

Suddenly I see.

This is who I wanna be.

I am doin' it, I am shaping myself and overcoming generations of learned ways of being. I have every belief in myself and the communities I belong to (although not in person, but I am building upon that from next week - fingers crossed!)

Life is what you make it, after all.

Mistakes.

Everything you go through, if you're able and capable, eventually leads you back to who you truly are. Some people get lost or loop around in a sort of limbo never to return to their true selves, living out the frightening horrors of what life can carve out of human beings. I've been unravelling all the bullsh*t, and finding amazing aspects of my core self; my actual identity. It's been like sifting through a wave of mist and fog, and now it is finally lifting and clearing. I have always been a born writer, sure I am now rusty and out of practice of the true talent. But I believe I am here to share a story. My story. I never knew much about Alan Bennett (I knew of him just not his works in detail) until recent years, but his plays inspire me of my ability (for as long as I can remember) to observe humanity in all of its shades, like he has done. The ways in which he describes and feels.

Today it dawned on me that I have huge attachment trauma that hasn't been fully healed still. My clingy tendencies have actually taught me throughout the years. It's the letting go part which I have a problem with, and those that I have really attached to (and I don't mean really in a light way), have been my most valuable lessons in letting go. I totally understand in full my need for attachment, I truly get and honour that need in me. I hold compassion, so much self-compassion for small me who was never even seen or treated as a person - a real human being. She deserved only the best, but I'm the only one who can give that to her now.

I have noticed the people who I have a real pull to, often are the ones that I shouldn't be seeking to get attached to in all honesty. Trauma bonds and trauma wounding unresolved. I see it so clearly now. I forgive myself and others for acting in the ways in which we have. But now is the hard part; not the seeking to understand, not the forgiveness, not at all. Just in the letting go.

Life is more than me. Maybe one day some other person will come across my writings (even 13 yr old me's writings) and feel an affinity, a spark of hope, a sense that they can make it through too.

We can survive anything, really. Death is the only thing we don't get a choice with, the rest is up to us on how we choose to transmute our energy through life's ups and downs. It's just sh*t storms and rainbows. Just all of the lovely sh*t storms and rainbows.

Trenches.

We are in the trenches of pain and growth.
But I will somehow fight the odds and make it through.
The leaves quiver in the autumn winds, and still they hold on a little longer.
Holding on in a season of letting go.
Be aware and take care,
Know when it is that you should let go.
Feel into what is right for you.

You are no broken star, look at how far you are/how far you have come.

What if things go right?

I feel utterly emotional and teary-eyed. I am remembering more of who I am, what I loved growing up - the tenderness in me, in life, in words, in the beauty and creativity all around me. I have forgotten so much and now, it's all being brought back like a long forgotten oak tree at the corner of a secret garden being noticed once more, even though hidden by all of the other more exquisite-looking, and tall fern trees. I am blooming and blossoming, effervescing on the inside.

The power to be, the power to give, the power to see. If I stand in my power more, use my voice more, who knows what could happen? In being mindful of how we think, we can make powerful changes. What if the best case scenario happened instead of the worst? What if being vulnerable with the right people was easy? What if standing in my power was actually being of service to the world? What if there was no such thing as failure, and only opportunities to learn? I know, people say that failure exists for that purpose - but what if we re-framed it so that failure isn't happening at all, and change the narrative to things are happening for me to show me where I need to learn further?

Movie watched today; and well recommended by me: This Beautiful Fantastic (2016).

Recommit to yourself.

Prioritise music. Prioritise different forms of expression like writing since I can't move my body so openly and freely any longer. Maybe even draw or colour? Pay attention to when I need a distraction and choose something healthy over mindless activity. Prioritise putting less sugar in my mouth. Name my emotions more to be able to fully feel them. I am sad today, and longing. But at least identification is the first step. I keep wanting to cry and grieve and I don't think it'll end. I know, it's a part of the spiral of growth. I will always come back to grief and feel stuck in these emotions. Remember, I am healing for generations of women before me who haven't had the chance to express their true feelings/selves, who have been suppressed and pushed down by patriarchal systems, people in societies, and learned ways of being.

According to the mother today, they were taught that there's nothing bad about others and that you don't stand up for yourself or express your anger because it wasn't the done thing. They went without core expressions that their human selves needed (such as anger,) and now it's up to us to fight for that right to express, in the next generation of women. Although, they've tried as best as they could, with all their might, to suppress us from that expression - like it was bad or wrong, and certainly not a natural or normal thing for a human to be doing. Even my counsellor Cath, when I was 19, told me that she really wished she could express my anger for me. That she wanted to, and that she could see there was anger there, and rightly so.

I used to use writing as a tool to express my sadness and anger. I'm wondering if I can get back to that once more. This summer, I used art and movement, dance, singing, embodiment. Now another season of life is here, a more stressful and unsettling one, and I need to find new ways. This is the process of change. This is a normal process that is ongoing in life.

Don't resist the flow. Just remember to recommit to yourself, hun.

It's how you respond, not what happens.

Life can be a swirling maze of distortion within a hazy storm. But really, it's what you make of it; the story you're telling yourself. If you come to a place of calm and recognise that everything is temporary, then you can pause to change the narrative you are telling yourself. This in turn helps you feel better about what's happening - looking at it from a different perspective, with different feelings. Life happens for you, not to you.

Healing happens in the now.

I trust myself.
I treat my body like art.

Treat yr body like art,
Let her move you.

What do I want from my life?
What story does my body want to share with me today, what is she trying to say?

Feel. Listen. Love.

What do I want in my life?
The foundations, activities and people, and which ones do I let go of and leave behind?

Visualise.

I see myself having a decent future, and invite that into my life wholeheartedly. I know what I deserve, and I know I can connect. I feel fully into my desires and I will find a way to meet my needs. The future is embodied, whole, happy, fun, full of nature and life; people, places, aliveness. I am connected to myself in this moment and every one after.