take yourself out on dates.

i've accomplished something i've wanted to specifically materially do since 2017-2018. i went to the art gallery on a self date (but with others) and i got to know mark more, and the guy with dimples, the guy whose son is an artist and he lost his wife before covid, and the guy who does colouring books of buildings. we got the tram and mark, dimple guy and i chatted. went to the wellbeing room - the art there will change in september and i shall have to go back - hopefully they choose landscape or abstract. then we had from 11:40 am to 1:30pm free time so went around, slid away from most to really appreciate the art. took my time and pics and lil bits of chat. i appreciated the new exhibits, but didn't get to complete the 2 on the ground floor. we had our lunch, then i got banana loaf cake in with some hot chocolate. chatted to pat more and josie. then we got trams back. woo. may this happen more.

slow and steady, when yr ready.

i need new and better company than the people currently surrounding me. where to find them? i watched a ben fogle documentary about slab city and wished i could find something like that. there is a way for me out there in the world, i'm not giving up. i'm spending time reclaiming my own time, using my voice and doing the things i love. i can get somewhere by trying, eventually.

every step of the way.

i am the only person i've got, but i wish i could have friendly convo's with rich or something rn. i miss his friendship in a way. mum tested positive today, but she's been coughing and sneezing without a care on everything and everywhere, taking over the whole house, every surface in the kitchen was covered with her stuffs most of today, and she doesn't care about wearing a mask. she's so inconsiderate and uncaring of others. 

hmph.

life makes more sense in some ways, thankful for my ancestors getting me this far. went to dovestones and whitby and all the east coast delights. tomorrow off to formby. sea havens.

what is my life though? idk.

i woke up remembering walking around outside school on my own, remembering never feeling safe, never seen, always neglected, maybe abused. born to parents who never sorted their stuff out and so i have to deal with whatever it is, meanwhile i'm a ghost in this world. i don't get it when people see me, when people ask me things. when i feel annoyed by others for being ignorant about me because no one ever tried to get to know me, never asked me anything. how much could i have done as a child not knowing, or even knowing? my parents probs have mental illness/def trauma. what am i then? i don't get my descent into a black hole again, even though things are moving on irl and i'm doing loads each week. i still have my writing group hwk to flesh out. the funding spots for training to be a dance fitness instructor will be coming months away. the community garden is open. things are happening and at the same time, i'm switched off to social media a lot and i started playing cozy grove. maybe i don't want anything in life but to bide my time until the worst comes and then hope i go too. idk. what is my life?!

also, josie and i were alone and she asked me for culturally sensitive ideas (how ppl who aren't whyt shy away from the place cos they feel it's too white focused - i agree!) for craft group and i went rangoli and pat came and we all chatted ideas, pat said aboriginal art dot style. i chatted with josie after and she opened up about her mum's psychosis, and then how she was a military/army wife and they had choir but then after giving birth she had postpartum depression and it's interesting hearing her story about psych wards and her mum staring at her constantly, in her own world, staring in the garden at a tree trunk. and then how she barricaded her room cos she was scared by her mum once. and how she used to hang out at a friend's parents' caravan place most of the time. and her mum making her room a craft room. how she went to uni to do drama or something, and how she didn't do so well at school and college with exams cos she's not so academic. talked about all this whilst doing dylan's mother's day card. and community garden with the centre won't be any time soon so it's best i go on my own but it clashes with writer's group. maybe when the weather is guaranteed good i'll go there instead of writer's. 

that's fine if you don't want to help yrself, but don't complain and moan to me.

i'm doneeeeeeeeeeee with the "kill me nows" meanwhile you never ask me how i am, not once do you care about anything to do with me, or say anything but "oh dear" when i rarely tell you what i'm going through. i don't really care about your complaints any longer because you come at me with them every single day more or less. you don't know how much i feel like i wanna die rn. you have no clue and yet you go on and on and on about something that if you had the guts to speak up for yourself, you wouldn't be complaining about. you wouldn't even feel the need to message me then. if you can't help yourself, i can't help you. if you can't be there for yourself, i'm not interested in hearing your lack of care about you. i do wonder if you tell your bff the same complaints day in and out. i very much doubt it. so take it elsewhere, not dumping it on me. i now know what <<<he>>> meant about it being annoying when i was like that, but i went through that process and i learned, and it was moving away from that type of life that he's still nestled in anyway. i'm glad. re-direction and into empowerment. 

lavender, red roses.

beauty blooming new life into my fire season, open conversations with beautiful belle, reminded of all of who i truly am before society, family, and systems tore me apart and plugged their stuff. there is an abundance of opportunity in the air, loads coming up including more tree planting tomorrow. a meet with ash at the weekend, and idk about birthday fun. they asked me to chair next week's writer's sesh, but i deferred till after easter, knowing i'll be too busy to adequately come up with shizz.