get out for some fresh air.

i took a walk around the neighbourhood, they'd chopped a lot of trees down. but i tried my dresses for the wedding and all but one fits - so no big deal. i am about to watch some harriet the spy, finally found it! will be good to revisit. then oh yeah, boardgames with alex was good. i was dissociative at parts but i was okay and enjoyed playing and learning new stuff. plus alex and i chatted a lil. 

we're ending with hope, we're ending on a positive note.

glad i got to complete the expressive writing course. george was a lovely accompaniment, and at least gaynor tried, and it was reassuring with claire there. just wish amy had been able to make it. or gill. rahila left it off on a positive note. helped me think about activism in a different way. george helped that too. talked on loneliness, wanting closer friends, the age of social media - what rahila said hit the heart. she was like, "one click of an x and that's it, you're out." like yep, someone should have told me this long ago. i think rich warped my sense of connectedness. i still miss him though. despite the breadcrumbing, coming in and out whenever he wanted, the lack of clarity etc.

anyway, i want to live like the bedouins; i've always felt nomadic. i told claire about the board games meet at the library, so hopefully she'll make it - she said she wants to get out and about and in life more.

we are more than our obstacles. life is magic.

i do hope rich figures stuff out and comes back. but it's only a little wish/hope/dream. he was as good as family .. even though he didn't want me to know him.

one foot in the grave.

apparently it's 30 years old now. but i swear if it aired in 1990 it's gotta be 33 yrs ...Anyways, maybe that's how i've been living/told to/shown how to live my whole life. i wanna watch some of these old things, help me gain identity from my past. all the fun. i am intentionally slowing down. taking my body connecting practices seriously. getting creative in all ways - today i challenged myself to a mini charcoal sketch. week since i last wrote here, i got asked to take over craft group on monday's but i said i'd co-host cos would be too overwhelming with my burnout. will see how that goes. i'm loving spring and brightness and it's starting to get warm. idk, we get by how we get by. i miss rich. i feel like there was still a story left for us.

i have been through it, but 33 is meant to be lucky.

the mother was harassing/chasing/shouting at me from the minute i got up. i got so depressed by her dysfunction and the only light in that birthday was messages from Belle and Dessy wishing me a hbd. plus Pinocchios - even though another boundary violation during dinner ugh. tapped into my inner child and wore my retro jewellery. saturday was much better, nice time alone to breathe and be. connect with the self. then got to spend time with r and them and it was beautiful just being a part of that, even though most of the homemade pizza was wank (apart from the one fully loaded and mega hot). and watching a man called otto (which she purchased instead of rented?!?!) as tom hanks is always fulfilling. i felt calm there. then today was good, tim horton's and boardgames. played three this time. Las Vegas - dice and money (most dice wins most money, 2nd wins second highest, etc) King of New York (Many dice, 3 spins, actions taken, energy gained, lives and VPoints gained or lost etc) - i won first go! played that one twice. Lastly we played Tsuro for a short 20 mins (counters at edge and get three cards / replace one and put one path card down and go to end until all but one player dead). lots of chats and fun with r and them. loved it.

back to the crafting grind tomorrow. 

also, v pissed off photobucket is getting rid of all free accounts - no warning! need to do a 7 day free trial and get my shizz off of there. ugh.

deep breathe, remember.

it was amazing to spend time with my gma on fri, especially just us 2 at the park. the conversations, and someone actually interested in conversing with me and passing along knowledge. plus the park there was huge, with bridges, blossoms, ducks and all. got to go shopping and pick my own veg from the greengrocers. then it's been chill, and dad made me homemade air fryed chips. i am staying thankful for all the things i have, whilst simultaneously feeling sad about the needs i'll never easily get met due to cptsd. i need a village of ppl without burning myself out trying 5 days a week to be around ppl who clearly aren't my people.

time to re-think my approach.

doodle yr heart out.

finished my mindful art doodling thing, and i liked it. doing some at home daily as well. creative fighter strikes again. since it's poetry month, i'mma try some poetry again. i love getting out in nature but sad she's around a lot now. may be packing it all in from next month. or the one after. i love and give back my power within myself. i hold hope for love and friendships.