remember to go back to focusing on you.

become aware of your inner thoughts and feelings. are you in a negative spiral full of wasteful thoughts?

have an understanding of your true self. success is in how you are being. how are you using your innate qualities? 

it's about finding your own inner resources to meet your needs, respecting yourself and loving yourself. it'll all impact the quality of your relationships. a foundation built on love, respect, peace, safety, stability,  compassion then it never changes in your relationships with others either.

own yr qualities and ground in yourself, let go of the external narratives/voices and fear. where there's openness, there's lightness. it gives others permission to be their light and open. trust in yourself and in your foundations, you've experienced lightness before, you can again when you slip up. have humility. really listen to others.

obstacles: attention to our thoughts, what thoughts are you creating about a difficult relationship? use that energy you give them to yrself. build yr inner capacity.

pay attention to your consciousness, see how the divine sees you.

meditate. 

pile on exhaustion

i want deep rest, but my week's structure needs change. i need to figure out a way. i am feeling balanced in some senses, but still tired. 

old life coming around again

she tried to chuck out my stuff again, without even saying. this time i specifically asked her what was in the bags, she just said it was her old papers. i didn't trust her one bit after last week, pouring out my clothes on her bed to r and saying don't let her see, keep it a secret while i walked in. so, i went out and found my school and college stuff in bin liners (true, there was a pamphlet on infertility in there too which was hers) but ya know, unsurprising. she's done this my entire life and she still thinks it's okay. she's been itching for my attention since i stopped even saying a word to her since last sunday's incident. she wanted that fight. i just waited until dad got home and explained what happened to him. he was not happy with her either. but yeah, maybe life's just giving me an opportunity to go through my past. she told me the buffy mags were still in the attic somewhere when she put them there when i was 16, but i'm not sure whether she was lying. she's lied to me about every small or big thing since i was 5, that i know of. and i've never trusted her since.

loved with my whole heart from so many miles away.

feeling sensitive, deeply sad, wanting to "go home" wherever that is (it's not here after two major repeated boundary offences). i've been self sabotaging and i also didn't speak as much in dance class today, as i wanted to. more people mean less opportunity and focus. i have automatic retro bad feels, i swear it's the full moon. i'm so tender and tired, i've been headachy since i got home and i just want to cry (but will it even come out?!)

i'm just resting, breathing, letting myself be with kindness, compassion and care. tomorrow is a new day.

what the bloat?!

proper bad bloating where my belly feels itchy has come on again, but like consistently. i feel like i need to figure this out, keep a food diary, have soothing foods, eat small but less, avoid too much veg rn. idk, bodies are weird, i just want to love mine, ya know?!!?!

bu'n down the system

i made swede mash today, with dad. i also made my usual spinach soup for the week. i have finally accepted that rich sexually assaulted me, my body was trying to tell me to listen and accept; and i finally have. now i can move forward and create community and launch into other things bravely, figure the next part out.

dance and craft group tomorrow, gotta figure out my rush around that.

i really wanted to make it with you.

sank into a deep depression within the past 24 hrs. not sure if it's to do with ovulation timing, as mood has dipped around then for the past couple of months. maybe it's just winter/missing rich. i'm being pulled back and slapped in the face with all that i didn't have surrounding me in my prior life to now, like people, community, anything. i've always only had myself and i'm reminded that trying to build community from just that isn't going to be easy at all. and i don't know what to do next on my journey and everything feels so unclear compared to a week ago, it's strange!!!

i'm hoping this wears off. maybe too much time allowing myself complete relaxation has gotten to me. this too shall pass.

new year, same me.

building up, always got my baseline. i can still grow my community, see if i can travel later in the year, and get in a lot of practice. today on my daily walk, a's cat came and nuzzled me and lay on my feet again! such a lovely lil creature, but then a dog came and she stood her ground and the dog was taken aback! the owner asked if she was my cat, hahahah. and then the dog did it's barking thing and got dragged on. co-regulation with feline friend, win.