rest, work, rest.

there's a time for everything, and today even though i started my period two days early, i was all get up and go. it's been nice to have had 4 days to myself, I needed time to do a bit of processing, have complete rest, and also bring my love of routine back. i'm glad that i got to love the people in my past now, in whatever small way. i know what is true for me, and i know which way i am heading.

ahh, time for a break.

i really need a decent amount of sleep, some nourishing food and to just chill out and relax. i'll get 5 days to myself, which i am thankful for. it is needed.

it's a plague, no, just a cold.

I have a cold, since Friday. I missed out on the quiz and looks like I'll miss out on the dance class tomorrow too. I have been in deep rest, I'd forgotten what that meant. 9 or 10 or 11 yr old me keeps coming to me in my mind, she wants to remind me that my life path can change, that I can choose better food, that my social life was supposed to be different. I can make these changes, things have come back full circle. Dad told mum I ain't going for Xmas and she called me selfish. Yeah, like my entire former life where she had the control and kept me isolated and abused and traumatised me. So like, hah.

I changing cycles, I doin' this now. The past is fully leaving me and being laid to rest. Something new is coming. I've been feeling it, food stuff has come back up. And now with this cold. I'm meant to rest and be alone. Be at peace within and all will be revealed. I am kinda scared. But here I go.

is poetry my thing? is embodiment my ring?

i don't know what to develop and work upon. today, i got back in touch with my body more - i know i need to make that a daily/almost daily practice. get back into grounded meditation and mindfulness. eating well. but then i focus on poetry prompts for the holidays at least, and give Will's ideas of listening to soundtracks to inspire me to write. jumping on the open mic night journey, maybe? always challenge myself outta my comfort zone. is writing the thing, what about dance? or the other things i want to do?

relax bk into you, be present and feel fully.

it's only in connection with ourselves with compassion and care that we get to move on. it's okay to feel stuck and behind and not right, and like everyone else belongs. i belong too. i am here telling lil me that i am valid. i'm gonna figure this out. one step and one unveil at a time.

the sunshine will always come along, until then, let your energy radiate.

today i showed up and got another one on one session in dance. we got to talk about the things that were on my mind, and that are going on personally for me. it was interesting, because it all flowed and i got to speak what was on my mind - i'm never usually given the space to go full flow on all of that. i thought she wouldn't understand, but she even completed my unspoken words about how they're all about the pretence! we got to focus more on how exactly to do the dance moves - but she keeps on doing different song sets and i should bring that up with her, because she wants me to learn the moves but we don't do it often enough or in a consistent way.

but hey, things feel like they're shaky but also i found strength in my vulnerability and i didn't think i'd be understood but i was!

the shaky might be related to finally being seen and heard on that topic (other than in other safe spaces), but it could also be to do with more grief work i have to move through. remember the path that yr on, grrl!

imagination is life.

i keep thinking about the calm blue sea/ocean, i keep seeing myself in a warm place, i keep knowing it'll happen again; i'll be there, someday, somehow, somewhere. i need to realign and make goals, not for new years, but like now! 

mood board maybe?

also, i'm hopefully seeing Will after almost 2 yrs next week!