end of a chapter, quick beginning to a new one.

thursday rich properly blocked me, finally. i hope he got the closure he was looking for from coming back for three months and several days. anyways, yesterday ash came and i jumped into his car and we literally sat parked and talked. i was vulnerable, tried to hold back tears. when one opportunity leaves, another replaces. such is life. i'm goin' with it, whatever it is.

wide sargasso sea.

i started a 'classic' book, and it's an annoying read, and idk the background always but i'm giving it a go. this is a year of many naff books, so may as well see it through. then get back to children's stories. many people in the past few weeks have complimented me in different ways. it's up to me to build healthy new close connections, people who can actually hold and support me. i know my stuff, i've gotten this far. it's time to go farther.

six sweet days.

all i have left to myself, before i have to figure out life with her. i need to ditch those things in the bin tomorrow. every time i settle with peace and deep breaths, another stark reminder comes. all the letting go and moving on happening rn.

we're the ushers of the new world.

loving santigold's new song, i think the world needs more people waking up to their own sovereignty. lately, life has been a whirlwind mess for me. things with the mother got so bad, her disgusting behaviour reared its ugly head once more. destroying a part of me again in the process. but i am resilient and i love me. and i make do with what i have, make the best of it all. i love just having this time in peace and silence, gently watching the rain fall outside, seeing the little robin visit in the garden, breathing full and deep breaths with no time restraints. speaking to Belle has been a highlight, she brings me back to me. also, i think i've managed to let go of Rich yet again, i hope that he leaves me alone this time. until or unless he's ready to step up as a friend.

how am i going to do this?

i have no idea how to do the whole friendship/relationship thing. but that, alongside my health and wellbeing/making stuff/giving. that's what i want to focus on. i trust things will unfold in a positive manner for what i need.

guarded or unseen.

what makes me me? the fact i never got seen or known most of my life, identity stuff? i'm exhausted when i am seen. idk what to do. i just want safety and mutual care with others and more time to myself to breathe and be.

i am woman. i am unearthing a new paradigm.

so, new season; new beginnings. i seek balance. restoration. to listen to my inner knowings in quiet. soon, i will have peace. there is abundance in all areas of my life, and i believe all the good is happening for me.

It's safe for you to rest

It's safe for you to dream

It's safe for you to grow

It's safe for you to heal

It's safe for you to change

It's safe for you to be.

Give yourself permission to GLOW!

today though, mna and her niece came to visit for just under a couple of hours. and i was eating lunch at the time they came, so i went upstairs to finish not wanting to make them feel uncomfy or to appear rude. anyways, i said hello and i asked how they were (we all barely know her niece, but her mum -- and my aunt's sister just passed away over a month ago, so they're up here visiting for a spa weekend) and i said i was doing fine but asked my aunt to tell all about her cruise in May - she ended up waffling on about her journey to london and how she stayed with her friend and her mum, and how they got to the cruise liner by car -- and then, nothing! nada about her trip. and then it was awkward - both her and the mother gossiping about people from here and saying bs about the kids in the family - all the while i had to sit there, as a kid in their dysfunctional family and pretend i wasn't hearing the shxt spewing from my mother's mouth. mum's more than hers, but then we sat for light snacks and hot drinks and then my aunt spewed heavy there too. and she told a lot of cold light truths about her son (now deceased). she was even saying he held his hands up and took the blame for their shop having to be sold and stuff weeks before he died. she went on about plunging shxt from a toilet and then using her own hands to excavate it out. all kinds of realities. i forgot that about my dad's side, they do speak more frankly about certain human stuff. not that she's technically his family. and yeah, it was weird - she gave me a gift and wanted me to read what it said out loud (matchsticks chocs and a sign) and i showed her what i've created and mum was whispering about me as i went to get pics of my 'peace' sign. and then that was the extent. her niece engaged with me a lil, but largely about the place she lives, and the upcoming festivities there- talked with all about my cooking skills. and yes, they want me to go visit and bring a dish. anyways, her niece has teen kids so she was more relatable. she was also blankly staring when those two were gossiping and being evil old hags.

so tomorrow, we go see my grandma just before her 90th b'day to celebrate. i hope she enjoys spending time with us all - those that can make it anyway. aunt and her niece are up here, my cousin and her fam can't make it cos she's just had a baby weeks ago. and then yeah, not sure if P is gonna come. the rest of us should be there, though. hope she likes her cake. i love her so much, i want to learn more from her.

then next week, hella busy. though - i hope i have proper time to myself next week. here's hoping..