The truth is hidden in the remembering.

I remember my love of nature, I'm a wild one and I loved being in it when I was a child. Adventuring and exploring, being at the sea or in the sea, seeing beautiful creatures up close and loving the intricacies of the interconnectedness of everything. I see the people I am like and I will find a path towards where I always have belonged. It doesn't matter where I've been, I'll get to where I need to be. I'm more enthused about learning new skills (like the crocheting) and building up on my life. I think it's better to concentrate on the things I can do rather than the devastating effects of where I come from/how I was brought up/what I don't know/what no one's taught me etc.

I absolutely loved prepping and cooking chicken fajita's medium spicy tonight. I loved eating when hunger was in full effect at lunch time. I am connecting back to life and all of the things I had forgotten, and the people who feel like home.

A feeling of fyeahhh is a sign you are on the right path.

I had to write again because for a short while earlier I felt so on my path while in connection and chatting to Justine on IG. We went through toxic shame, embodiment practices, yoga and I felt so seen, and knew I was on the right path talking to the right person. It also felt scary because over time I've become less and less inclined to being seen and known anywhere online or offline, so the interaction was great. Also, I reached out to Lorra on IG when she decided she would be ending her story updates on how her face surgery scar is healing. I told her I was thankful she was being vulnerable and honestly showing her journey. I sent her well wishes that she'd find acceptance with however her healing turns out, and she thanked me. It was nice just to send that little bit of support to someone in the world, I've missed doing that with strangers online. I want to get back to that a whole lot more.

And the weirdest thing was that in the Compassion challenge for today one of the action things to do was being kind towards someone who you felt needed it. And voila, I'd already done so. I feel many possibilities, with writing and learning new skills, being vulnerable and supported, continuing embodiment practices etc. I know this is all a part of my future and I will make those changes to ensure I get there. I feel like I am going to show others how I've done it at some point.

It's amazing, life can truly be wonderful sometimes. Never forget this. Also, I had home made pizza for the first time in ages sans mushrooms, but it was a good treat.

The wait brought answers.

Deep winter is about to land and after some heavy and lengthy processing yesterday, I know what my focus for the year should be. It's to maintain genuine, safe, healthy, and wholesome connections with others who I can call friends. Or perhaps even friends who I can call family. Since I was a child, I've always known I need to be away from here. Building up a foundation of safety with others, support from systems in so far as they can, and asking for help from friends is the next move. The things my parents and theirs never took/had the chance to take. Their culture focused solely on family/extended family as friends, more or less. I bet a lot of that was caught up in fakery and comparison etc. I am here to lead the way to better ways of being. I am doing this and I am succeeding.

The time of rest is almost over, and now I must write a plan of action.

I am capable, I am competent, I can get through this.

Get back to basics; move more, eat less, hydrate more, sleep more, mindless hoover less. I have to remember my why's. My path is one of rest and restoration, but also make sure I prepare for the challenges change will bring. I want to get into more normal life stuff, and be around more normal people. I can and will do this, no matter what my fears are surrounding getting there. I can get through the uncomfy until it becomes comfy, and anyone can do anything; so I can also.

It's not what you do, but how you do it.

I noticed today that I was filled with anxiety, even though I thought I felt alright. Getting through each thing just to get through should no longer be a requirement. I need to remember why I am meeting up with Will - we ended up having a great conversation for an hour. Even though I forgot to ask him about his ghost stories, and his about his supportive/not parents -- we still flowed with conversation quite easy. I think he was hinting at buying me a hot chocolate because then he got something else to drink. Another sort of tea. I want to stop myself when I feel I have no control in the moment, and even ask for a minute - go to the toilet or something, perhaps, just to regain control over my whizzing thoughts. I wish we could meet outside the cinema/coffee shops space, and do something entirely different. He suggested to me going to a Bolton football game, just for the experience. I am desperate to try new things at this point, because doing what scares me is a good way to find my edges. I even agreed to meeting another OK..you know what guy for a coffee. It has to be done, because the more people I meet of my own volition, the more I get to know about life. Just listen to them, really. Get to know people and what their lives are like out there, figure out whether people are my kind of people or whether despite all the tons of differences we can still be friends. Just go wherever things take me, but do it with purpose. Do it with heart, enthusiasm and not to just get something over with and done with.

I promise you, moving out of this comfort will bring you so many rewards.

I am comfortable resting in the unknown.

This is a period of waiting. This is a time to remember tenderness and other forgotten feelings. I wanted strong arms, I want a family I can learn from and be held in a supportive space with. I will find them, I can feel myself reaching and I can feel them coming. I know things are unfolding, and they will take their time. So in the meantime, I take care of myself and honour all of the rest and nourishment I need.

Deep breaths, wholesome food, time spent in nature, and in deep rest/sleep.

This is the way it goes right now, and I graciously accept this path.

The lesson is a blessing.

Not everything we hold onto is a good thing to hang on to. I let go of my relationship (or lack thereof) with people who are unhealthy for me. It has been a painful journey but I have learned a lot - including how I want to conduct relationships of my own. I will never settle for less than expansion and equality, for communication and openness and honesty. For growth through the uncomfortable, with hand holds and encouragement (including loving shoves if necessary.)

I am glad I am discovering music that I probably should have long ago. I am glad I am taking an interest in musicians of past - Jimi Hendrix was a wonder, and I love how he played. I love the punks and the rockers, the antidisestablishmentarianism of the time and humanity has always roared. I hope we roar again, and make true change.

It is time to align with myself and my hustle, in order to show up for the world. And I am getting ready to take on all of the new challenges. It is my responsibility to step up and meet my fears head on. I know the comfort of invisibility can't last forever, so I may as well go forth and create what I want to in this world. Alchemise. Action. Strength. Building more foundations and leaping off.

I trust life will hold me. I trust I will learn the things I need to know. I trust my path. I continue my purpose of being a healer - self or otherwise.

Earthquakes will make shifts and changes.

Remember this year is a year where the world and life will change. Keep calm, keep centred, and focused.