give magic a chance to develop.

there's so much left to experience, forget all you're leaving behind - let it all goooooo. there are better days and people ahead who will light your soul, guide your way. you are becoming, and yes that can hurt but it's basically the only way. go out and experience life, try more things, become more vulnerable with others you want to get close to. give it all a try. rest for now, my love then we start the hard work.

we don't talk about intergenerational trauma aka bruno

this christmas has been a busier time, i haven't had a chance to properly chill and just watch the shizz out of stuff. but that's the plan along with laundry and catching up with Will tomorrow. always socialising a bit every day argh. mac and cheese with a paprika breadcrumb from sainsbury's was amaze - more american style without the fake cheese. stollen bites all the time. good warm times.

life is hard but the light will return.

it's almost the shortest time of light, and these confusing mixed up feels will pass. i trust i can listen to my inner knowing and go forth. i'm building and enjoying where i'm at at the same time. don't make life harder than it needs to be. do what you can with what you have, and remember to slow down and rest. it is that time of year to go hibernate anyway!

life is wintry out there.

i keep getting told my crafted stuff is 'professional' looking and like woahhh, gotta re-jig life bby. listen to the signs. it's been absolutely freezing for a week or so now, i'm tired of this cold. hopefully seeing gma on sunday. a week ago i had spent the day with ash, and the more i know, the less appealing. but i'm sticking with it. i gotta see if i can build if he's trying and building for himself. 

breathe the frosty air and come alive.

all about staying present with what is. i'm thankful for getting to go to van gogh alive with Ash, expensive but at least he's been introduced to art. then making a plan together to go Leeds and getting Pizza Punks! omg yes - fresh orgaXsm of a pizza. then wandering around the craft/arts/alt xmas indoor markets and nearly buying another book on trees. idk if he was figuring to buy it for me or no? but anyway, we then stopped off at tim horton's on the way home and got a hot chocolate, and tim bits to share. he wanted to hug me - ugh. i allowed him this time, but yeah - don't see it as anything other than friendship. he's got to come to his own and stand in his own power/sovereignty before being equal with me. i dislike people who are leeching my loveliness off of me because they see my enthusiasm etc. but honestly, i was just glad to be seen and heard and known. i was annoyed when he kept telling me things like "you should have some mcdonald's" or "i think it's time you try red meat" even though i said i haven't since a kid, or "you must have whipped cream and marshmallows on your hot chocolate" like ugh, i know myselfffffffff. and actually, that's a projection of his stuff onto me. he kept going on about next time he'll have to join crafting with me, or he needs to try things out that he wants to do. though he wasn't sure what. except to own a tag heuer watch ugh. but fair dos, his grandfather was always about flashy consumerist watches. he gets along with his family swimmingly but apparently they worry about him, or so he thinks. he was on about his mental health but v vaguely and idk, he didn't reveal too much. not v much into him other than a friend to explore with. if he pays for train journey to ldn and accomodation, i'll do the art galleries etc there with him like he wants.

i rested proper this weekend, first snow arrived, first proper ongoing frosts. i hope it gets milder and better later this week. then i got down to crafting - origami fails but at least we had a laugh and then some re-purposed origami paper to make christmas fan paper decor. saw mark, but he was with lucky so minimal convo. they were apparently talking about me right before i came in the room! ah dear, idk if i can get time without lucky with him. lucky took over the convo - asked for my number and gave me her new one. " accidentally deleted" my number apparently but she still has r's lol.

too exhausted it's the winter.

i release rich as part of the older guy syndrome who turned out to be insecure and childish and self focused, much like my own emotionally stunted / immature parent/s. life is about seeking the new, the things that make me more comfy to be me. safe spaces with more aligned people. i gotta try.

i forgot today that it would be the last time i see T before xmas and i didn't take her anything. dad says Happy ny's card and chocs will do before the end of the year when we next meet. i'm not so sure.

but ayurveda was good, and i contributed using my voice even though i said i was unsure about my answer but ppl were supportive and nice. and then mum ended up being 10 mins late for some reason, even though she was nearly out the door when we were.

they've gone to her uncle's funeral that's tomorrow and they'll return in the evening. meanwhile, ash is in a hotel room somewhere in stockport so we can go bradford tomorrow to see van gogh alive. onto new things, even though it's bitterly cold, i have to get up early tomorrow and don't really wanna go.

lean into the discomfort, lil one.

please yourself, be yourself.

something is coming together, although i cannot see it. both of them are away on friday so i get to skip out on being anywhere near her on her b'day and hopefully go do van gogh alive and have a meal with ash. see where that one goes with him. open and flourish. it's scary to become. i feel like the creative life is for me, i just need support and a breakthrough. something new is coming, it's evolution bby.