my ancestors keep giving me messages on important days.

early this morning my aunt's face came into my mind. today is the one yr anniversary that she lost her second son. i feel like my ancestors were there calling me to check on her and tell her how i feel about the day. it's v interesting, i'm being asked to slow tf down but i have a lot of things to do and to choose. i spent almost an hour deciding on whether to phone to make a haircut appointment. i feel my intuition just needs rest. it's also the week before my period so my body does need the rest. after my appointment is over tomorrow, i need to consider and really plan my rest at a very concious level.

my life hurts and idk what to do.

 i seem to be finding it hard on whether to completely shut the door with rich as his behaviours seems to indicate abuse. but i don't know if it actually is or whether it's the lens that i've gone through abuse and it feels familiar.

i want to ask him to just be direct, see if that works.

but isn't it time to move on?

i feel depressed, i'm not at my best.

 i feel the urge to do spoken word poetry and sharing it privately on IG, idk. i'm just going slow atm and sitting with my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my tender being. i love myself and i'll connect back with all of me and all of the love for myself.

i'm the only one who can help myself by facing my fears and rising.

 i wish i had friends, i accept that i've been isolated my whole life, that my parents never really had anyone around socially and were isolated apart from going to work. it's not my fault i didn't get shown how to people. i can do better, i can learn better. i'm already directly asking for what i want and need. it's up to others to see if they can meet me there. i will find people who are for me. i trust in myself. i believe in myself.

today i got to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, to walk for miles and miles in quiet and in beautiful nature sounds. i like when people randomly say hello whilst walking on a path. i liked trying to discover paths on my own.

i am bravely me. i express freely. i am authentically me. despite mark not showing up for me when i told him he shouldn't disappoint me on today of all days. i release him, and that expectation and i let go. i know better for next time. i don't want much from him in terms of friendship any longer.

i am love and my life matters.

What area of my life needs the most love and attention right now? friendships, self nourishment, getting back to my body

• What fear-based beliefs can I release today and during this course?

(e.g. I am not enough. I can’t sing. Nobody cares what I think.)

i will never be able to live in this world, connected with others, even though i need others.

• What would I create in my life if fear no longer stopped me?

i would have friends and helping connectedness and community. live a more aligned life in nature. live off land.

list of positives about me - i am kind, i listen to others well, i am peaceful and calm and gentle natured.

lists of things that are challenging about me - i can be stubborn, i don't know how to ask for help, i am frustrating because all i see are challenges when people want me to just get on with it.

What is my favorite way to nurture myself? i like to just go at a slower pace, trying to be mindful. listen to the sounds of nature or soothing music to my mood. move my body, walk a lot, dance, sing, eat well. rest, sleep.

i am worthy of my own love.

i hurt with grief. grief seeps into every part of me.

i don't know how time is going to help me letting go. i don't know why i have to let go of everyone and everything. i don't know what for. do i trade the little safety i have when i've never felt truly safe long term anywhere else? i don't know how to find my community anymore. i need people. i need this grief to not be so big. i need renewal. a better perspective.

cover me with sunshine

 there are messages, i slow down and listen. i take my time and don't complete some tasks but i am proud of the ones i do. i feel there is another way in life, i will find it. i open myself up to be myself fully.

pain is a subtle reminder that you and the whole planet deserve more.

humans have been disconnected for decades if not a century. they're all traumatised, have founded traumatised systems that are largely still here enacted in the present day and the ones who conform to said systems in one way or five seem to do okay in life more so than those who stand for what humanity and the interconnectedness of the Earth is actually all about. our ancestors had to survive, millions of years ago. but at what point did the trauma leak into societies? at what point did our systems turn to for the few and not for most? was it when agriculture started to dominate? so many q's on how much healing we rly have to do. i hurt for all of the potential centuries that we need to do.

last night i cried and cried for most of the night, a wet sobbing mess, listening to songs i don't usually listen to by SoCo (the harder ones.) i remember how bad it all was, having to just survive growing up. a lot of people never get to be loved by anyone. a lot of people don't get a community. a lot of people find life hard. i am one of those people. but remember, i am here to heal. i have done so much in terms of progress w that, don't ever forget how far i've come. but i will unlikely be able to find people i can ask to build a loving community. a lot of people don't understand love or relationships. i have learned about them. i know love from loving little me, i know relationships from being the opposite of what i went through in my earliest relationships. 

i am here for love, mutuality, just being allowed and accepted to be who i am. not having to live in society as it is. i will find my way, i know it. i will find my people, i know it.

but for now, grief hits me like a train on a track. i want to go back to Rich but i know i am just craving the familiar. i deserve much better than him, even he knew it.

rest, and trust lil one. rest and trust.

everybody that you meet has an original point of view.

 hey,
what a wonderful kind of day!
where we can learn to work and play
and get along with each other.

this week started with longings of wanting to listen to the Arthur theme tune, which i did - i unlocked so many childhood memories. i then grieved for all the things she never became and all the things she didn't have and reminded myself of what she did get to experience and the people and how they were back then. i looked over old photo albums and sat with all the feels; then shared with cyn and released those feels in the form of floods of tears.

yesterday it was so warm and i got to sit out most of the day, i enjoyed the sun rays, the vivacious and lively birdcalls; i got back into action as i shed my winter skin and finally planted my sweet pea seeds. i am looking forward to the rest of my life.