I think that this is a whirlwind that may be something good.

I can figure out safety, who I am and what I want with another. I think this is a potential. And I've already done the hard work, and I am ready!! This is exciting.

I think that this could be something beautiful.

I know myself therefore I know him. I think we can have something amazing, and bring our individual whole selves to the table - to be loved, appreciated, respected, tender, and supportive with each other. I feel my fears and that's how I know it is the right thing, to allow someone to help me to work through them. I've been remembering about such important concepts, like decolonisation and showing up in all of my truth. Of the mother wound and how patriarchy and other systems (the prison system, the healthcare system etc etc) really disadvantage the majority of us, and yet we keep on perpetuating their need as a valued place in our societies.

I want to build a new and better world, and I will. With the people who are willing to do it with me.

I look forward to the journey ahead.

Woah, love.

I mean, I could not have predicted the way things just unfolded these past few days. Life is calling me to get back to basics and simply rest. The most strongest of love connections has been built slowly over time, and it has the potential to be a really healthy and mutually beneficial connection. I have the right to stay true to myself first and foremost though. Music is a lovely lil thing, as is food that is nourishing and movement that is slow and steady.

After this all ends, what do I want to be prepared with in my hands? What do I need to do to get there? Break it down and follow through, for life is awaiting for you.

On turning thirty.

I feel so much confident to be who I am.
I love myself.
I believe in myself.
The future is okay within me.

Get down get deeper and down, get down get deeper and down.

A reclamation of our true power is a call to release trapped energy. You have to excavate the layers, as painful as that may be, let them go and remember who you really are. Let go of the people who aren't able to meet you where you're at. It's your time to tell your story the way in which it is true for you, and navigate a new way forwards through life. Actively share and document your story so it's from your view and not others'. The emotional story, the depth and variety of it all, through time, in a time of pivotal history.

How do I want to tell my story so that it doesn't die with me? Especially me in this moment right now. Vlog? Blog? Share with others? But how? What feels really good for me to express and share in my story rn? How am I letting my creative energy move through me? How am I remembering I am a creative being? I am art itself.

Rich was an old narrative, and it took a wake up like this to realise that I have outgrown, moved beyond him and now have to let him go. I wish him the best as he's not willing to communicate or to grow with me.

Saying goodbye is really saying hello.

This morning I woke up after a good sleep, which could have been more restful had my mother not been an inconsiderate person as usual when she woke up at 7:30am so she could get ready for her early start. But, I have been realising that Rich and I are not on the same page and that that's okay. I deserve a lot more than he wants to give, and that is okay. His presence and love has reminded me more of who I am and I am thankful that he's always been around. I reckon he's more normal nowadays, and more privileged and white stuffs than anything, and that means that unless he's willing to go through all of this with me, he can't gain access to me. Basically, I'm now going to say that it shouldn't happen unless or until we're both in a similar place - if that ever happens. We'll always care about one another, and he's helped me to understand who I am and the struggles I face. And that my lack of white privilege means it's that much more harder for me to overcome than how he has managed to mostly overcome.

I took time to rest in the sun, closed my eyes and half slept. I wanted to gently begin to pick my energy up, so I danced and sang and worked out and sang more! I loved that the sun was warmer and here longer today. I sat out and read in the garden. Things are not happening as I thought they could, but I know now that that's totally fine. I will find a way IRL somehow, I'll find people and things and stuff.

Maybe this new world will help me come to the fore. I wanna share what I know and have learned and integrated. (I think more shadow aspects came to light this morning and I think I'm integrating those things.) I need to understand and get serious what skills etc I best learn in this time that can help me move forwards after all of this.

I've never felt so much at home.

I feel alive again, and comfortable in my skin. Rich's presence is just reminding me of another viewpoint within which to remind myself of myself and it's incredible. I accept all of me. I accept him too, I just hope we have a heart-to-heart soon though. It's not about him at all, but on love - loving ourselves and easing life for one another.