slow down and stare at the sky.

taking time out for myself and going at a slower pace is something i've needed. this morning, i was looking at how vivid the clouds looked when the summer sun shone on them. by mid afternoon the clouds were less textured and by evening a grey cooling sky with bits of clouds that stood out, like in nope!

i must check out that phone before i give it back. and i've been watching loads of movies cos we lose sky cinema soon.

sweet summer solstice.

so thankful to be here with life unfolding as it is. saying goodbye to the old and outworn and anticipating the new with excitement. i'm surprised that robert acted on his desire to ask for my number the other day. i need to ask alex which day is the consensus going for for boardgames. the friday, or saturday? more than likely be the saturday, and hopefully not the sunday.

makeba.

dancing embodied in the garden barefoot, feeling completely alive and thankful, heart beating fast and senses enlivened - the beautiful scent of the peonies now in full bloom. everything is luscious and precious and divine including myself. talking with Belle made me realise that i have got good guys in my life.. reading the book i am, makes me realise i need to put more confidence in others. it's time to try all i've dreamed of.

now i'm free my darling

i didn't go to craft group and alex texted me saying he missed me there. i played some board game with him today, amongst others. i cringed my way out of not giving a donation today. i need my body to relax and be energised enough to feel, plan and create.

ash and i at the weekend were a whole thing. i still need to try out this phone. exchange it for a s22 maybe? he trusted me with his credit card. 

what to do when grief and pain and sadness are the mains in yr life.

i was neglected so badly, i don't have anyone. rich was never rly there either. i am all alone, always. i keep thinking about if i could open up to board games ppl... but i realise it's going to be so so very hard to do. idk anyone like me, idk who i can reach out to, idk where i can get help. i was crying last night a lot, and didn't get much sleep. i wasted my time and money to go to the vale and was left alone in a room and spent 1.5 hours doing nothing but trying. i was sui earlier. i think i'm better off not being here anymore.

was it just banter and fun to you, or more?

i ate a huge brunch today, tried hash browns in cheese toasted sandwich thins with ketchup. very nom. 

i shed a tear for that rich never communicated well, and all i wanted to know was how he truly felt and how to define things moving forward; to get to know him. could i possibly have?

i let go all that no longer serves me for my next vision in life.

i cont. learning the socks crochet pattern and figuring that out.

i may take another craft group session over.

i'm aiming to let myself be more open and vulnerable with ppl i want to be friends with, because i deserve to have friends i can feel completely relaxed and safe being me with.

i also shed a tear for the fact that i'm craving and v much need time and space to myself, to sit with myself, to be a human unto the earth and connect in stillness and silence. 

it's good that i got to use my voice and talk to Belle earlier.

i miss talking to ppl as friends.

i miss playful chatting with rich.

i need more grounded, centred, balanced fun in my life.

i wish she didn't take over the garden. blasting her music. trying to steam roll her way back in with flooding me with words and not rly having a conversation. i don't want to speak to her but she keeps on at me. she was even saying to join them still when they go to italy - that she'll look into flights for me. what even?! i don't want to be near her like that, i can be courteous as long as she is. but that's as far as it goes.

and oh yeah, she yet again!!! moved my plant pot without saying, and dropped it, toppled slightly but luckily was alright and yeah, moved it into the shade when the sun had not long ago reached it. ugh.