body on lockdown, lockdown, lockdown.

i'm thankful dad could drop me this morning, i had even more fun than if it were normal dance with smime, and there were younger ppl there as well as middle aged. plus mary is lovely, if not a bit full on but that's just me. there were more circle dances though, which i wasn't sure about. butttt, it just goes to show how much more confident i am in myself than even just over half a year ago. like 7 months since i last went - andddd, jo returned the same time as me. although, i won't be going next week. i can't do full on days like this anymore. clay stuff in craft group has been meh since it's air dry super fast dry clay but we shall see if i can sell or gift. and then it was nice to chat to people there though. saturday was super fun making a dreamcatcher and now i've show monday's craft group - sue wants me to show everyone how to make 'em. 

i was hangry this evening, plus pre-period times. and dad went and told her it was okay to use the kitchen at 7:20!!! and we always (well, I always since i'm the only one of us both cooking atm) and plus i hadn't eaten anything in 8 hours and so that was a whole thing. plus she told me she'd be 20 mins and obviously took a lot longer and i got fed up. she'd eaten lunch after i left earlier in the day anddddd she'd snacked at 4pm. and the greed and lack of anything just annoys me.

but anyway, i feel like i wanna be held. i need some comfort and love and care. and for someone to occasionally take care of me too, y'know? i guess i'm never going to have anything like that kind of a person in my life any time soon.

this is the flourishing, unfurling, and relaxing into year.

gordon was still effing coughing all over us on wednesday, but i'm glad i got to finish 2/3 of my tiles. i will have to pick them up once he's varnished them next week or the week after, i shall check. i didn't get up in time for phantasmagoria today but there's always next week, and i'll ring and check if it's alright to just show up. i'm planning on getting myself to the vale on saturday for a dreamcatcher workshop, i hope i get there okay and it's just a drop in. monday will be busy next week too, cos full on day and either i ask to get changed at the college, and have lunch there. or get changed at the library hm.. 

i should have said yes to the 25th-26th Feb meal with Mark and Lucky and Patti but argh, I guess I'm going to this engagement thing in Lndn then.

Also, rly cool link:

clickaclicka

rest it out, my bunny.

so that nasty cough / cold that gordon had? ofc i have it now. been staying away from dad as much as possible, extra hygiene caution and stuff since his op is tomorrow. been trying to eat well, sleep well, rest more, have many a hot drink/soup/warming and spice filled food. i value rest and slowing down, i've got to reconnect with my body again in recent days at least. and it's the year of the rabbit, which apparently is a year for "focusing on relaxation, quietness and contemplation."

i've got to clear up my phone more to download the latest updates ugh. and i think i'll have an early night. fingers crossed all is amaze tomorrow.

better to have loved and lost than never to have not loved at all.

i keep waking up thinking about rich, daydreaming about him, thinking on how it could have worked out well between us. neeeeeeeed to move on with that. focus on ash who tells me he's smashing swimming goals he's set. i build on what works, not what doesn't - remember i deserve someone who can add to my life. i watched tracey beaker - my mum and me or whatever that show is. and there's a troubled kid who's lived rough on it - she has complex needs, drinks until she's drunk to forget her pain/not feel it, and who knows what trauma she's been through. it reminds me of where i come from even though it wasn't like that exactly for me.

anyway, started painting with acrylics on the tiles this morning. i gotta say, it's harder than i thought - might try smaller brushes next week? gordon kept on coughing and spluttering everywhere and poor linda was worried about catching it, she started to put on her mask and immediately gordon said he'd wear one too. if he'd been more thoughtful, he would have just left us to paint and coughed in the corner where the window could be open but nope. he went on and on. and i get annoyed when people do things like that, i zoned out more than i'd have liked. then, i found out more about his background. his dad was wealthy and paid for his uni - he did some accounting and something else course but then discovered by working at a clothes shop he had a flair for fashion and the arts and stuff. his daughter did two other degrees before the counselling she's doing now. he did say one of them but i can't remember. another support woman was there, she was overly apologetic about almost painting my tile - i hated making small talk to make her comfortable (at the end of it she was saying how nervous she was, and how she didn't want to stare that's why she tried the painting too etc ugh). oh, and i asked ed about working / vol work there. just to get an idea.

it's snowed and i'm tired so i need to sleep soon.

don't wanna focus on the past.

there's nothing there anymore, it's gone. it's all but a memory, i must move on. i finished reading harriet the spy today, and i can so relate to her loneliness. i miss my childhood but i can never go back. i have to carry this pain forever, the things i never got. the people who i never got to love in person and all that. idk, i gotta focus on building the new.

like tomorrow, going to a boardgames meetup where i can focus and see if that's something i'm into. just be there, fully. you can do this.

mad love.

i've felt huge waves of grief and sadness lately, and it's a culmination over new perspectives of the past, re-realising what it was, the love i felt when it wasn't healthy - despite the unhealthiness and all the longing for the things i never received. like just being seen for who i am. and now i am around ppl who have helped themselves and help others and stuff, i feel slightly seen but they still don't really get me. i miss rich a lot, it's pre-period times so it probably explains it. but i don't get where to go from here. it's like, i don't want him back and all that toxicity he never kept in check, but i want that lifelong sense of kinship even if it was part made up by both of us. idk. life is always difficult but i'm trying.

tomorrow i get to clay tile properly. wish me luck.

the first full moon of the year.

i have been having strange dreams lately, and revealing hidden things i've only just figured out or things i'm remembering again. like how bad my childhood rly was, mum's behaviours and how rich was with me. how i needed humans and the ones i got and how that relates to what's familiar to me, how i've broken cycles and how i still feel like huge chunks of me are missing because i have changed and yet i didn't ever get what i need at any point in my childhood. full moon feels, and i'm glad that i have opal but i wish i had ppl in my immediate environment i could let go and relax and be fully me with. i work at a slower pace and i wish i didn't have to go to my courses each week but they don't stick around for me! at least only 2 consistent ones in Jan, then a nice lull in Feb. tomorrow i'm looking forward to going bk to mcr art gallery and seeing the exhibit i voted for last June. my main focus is exploring the new parts to the gallery; then doing some sketching. r will join at 12, so i have an hour to myself to look around. then i can go off after i've met her and do my own thing again for an hour. but it'll be good to sketch a bit too. just the excuse to get out to the art gallery i needed.

new yr takes time to build new things.

ahh i'm still eating junk, and i made myself get up by 10 at least though. no idea how i'm gonna make it getting up at 8 on wednesday. things are so undefined and it's pre-period week and everything's going slowwww. i did so much today still, and yet i never finish everything i set out to do in a day. got a surprise new year's wish message from lucky, that'll be interesting - maybe my community is calling me? anyways, gotta breathe before sleep.