the space to feel is the space to heal.

i'm so glad to have the day to myself, to get up when i needed and to nourish myself. to love my body and its needs and listen. to take myself downstairs and move freely without worry, and watch a lovely movie (miranda july's art is amaze) then just relax and ease into processing, feeling my feels deeply and crying and then taking myself through it all with gentle care. moving my body, dancing, singing loudly, shower singing and dancing!!! for doing what i want and what i need to do and enjoying the quiet and peace. i like my own space and time. i like moving through things naturally like this. i need more of it.

confidence is a game changer, even more so around the right kinds of people.

to be you is to be the best possible natural thing you can be for the world. the world is going to ask you to step up soon, and so this period of questioning and wondering, remembering and finding will have its purpose be known in time. i love people who help me glow, be more decisive and confident and feel good in my skin. i love people who are there throughout my growth and love my change and so much more. these people are precious to me and i am glad they are here.

the disguises of rage.

six disguises of rage

fight, flight, and shrink types.

fight types - dominance and defiance - feel forceful energetically.

dominance - critical, controlling, judgemental, perfectionist, dismiss others, abuse power. control to make sure never controlled - terror of tenderness.

defiance - anger, in your face, defensive. need to be seen, understood and affirmed - they want to be right. fear of defeat and annihilation.

flight types - distraction and devotion - overly responsible in the world.

distraction - restless, anxious, overextended and impulsive. feel they ought to be important - they have something to prove. driven towards pleasure and instant gratification. stay busy with self-defeating diversions in order to avoid feeling deficient or empty.

devotion - accommodaters/pleasers, avoiding of conflict. care for others in hopes of being cared for in return - but that never quite happens. invisible pain to others. wear a happy face to avoid feelings of unworthiness.

shrink types/fade types - dependence and depression - hypersensitive.

dependence - self-doubting, confused/uncertain, guarding against rejection. maintain emotional/financial instability to ensure a sense of connection and avoid distinction and avoid the accountability of personal power. shows up as not having plans/"i don't knows", "we'll just wait and see" or "others know best." a fear of taking up space.

depression - self-abandoning, withdrawn, avoid attention, a need to not take up too much space. sensitive, would rather disappear than disappoint others. shut down to minimise stimulation and avoid overwhelming feelings of sadness/humiliation.

the wisdoms of rage -- embodying your shadows.

if you don't own yr shadow aspects, they'll come to you in other forms - you'll marry them, they end up being your boss/co-worker, children/pets and we battle against this disowned aspect with ourselves externally with the other person/people.

dominance - shadow to this type is dependence and vice versa (so dependence's shadow would be dominance). when dominance can embrace and embody some of the wholesome qualities of the dependence disguise, wisdom is ripened. will know when they acknowledge their hurt more, will be less critical and controlling, and more curious. they then become more perceptive and open-minded.

defiance - shadow to this type is devotion need to give more to/serve others, they then become more aware of their impact. able to embrace human frailties - see the human experience instead of "us and them" mentality. experience their truth more instead of defend it. as they soften into their own devotional needs, they become more fierce with clarity and they become more intuitive in what they're seeing and feeling. they cool down their defiance.

distraction - shadow to this type is depression so that they can slow down and be in a place of solitude. feeling into the exquisite beauty of doing less and feeling more, they become more grateful of what they have, and serve others more than absorbing and acquiring more things/possessions/material stuff. Invest in simplicity, see the quality in nature and hang out without anxiety. capacity to be still and in solitude. start to have more spontaneity and a higher vibration of inspiration and simplicity. can just be instead of needing to do/manufacture.

devotion - shadow to this type is defiance they fear being angry towards someone. but as they become more defiant, they're then able to set and maintain healthy boundaries. they stop betraying themselves, no longer overextend themselves for others. start to respond to their own needs, and feel more of a genuine sense of harmony, generosity and mutuality.

dependence - shadow to this type is dominance so they can control the details of their lives, trust their instincts more, and answer the q's they are usually asking outside of themselves. being to appreciate their own originality, artistry, creativity, their imagination. they no longer question or doubt any of that.

depression - shadow to this type is distraction  so they move towards activity in a warm and welcoming way, get to invest more in a sense of embodiment and aliveness. a shift from grief more to gratitude. they can see possibilities. begin to ask for and receive what they want. then there;s deeper satisfaction when there's solitude and more empathy. the capacity for deep connections and friendships lies here.


these all tame rage and shame when embodied.

we'll be dancing 'til the world ends.

rich has brought up memories of my shadow side, old times and all kinds of things. i went to see parasite with will at the very beginning of March and i'd totally forgotten! life feels very strange and i need humans, i always have. but how to fit in when they're more mainstream and i'm more path less travelled?

it's time to rest and feel at home again in yr body.

apart from the excitement, life has been calling me to take it slow and easy, to ground in the earth barefoot, to enjoy the summer warmth and skies, to get friendlier with people and animals - i loved my conversation with the old lady and getting closer to scowly cat! and going for walks and seeing our spot (pub car park) and also the lady in her hijab zooming on her electric bike and her friend or partner dude on his! enjoying good food, remembrance of good music - when music was all i listened to all night, and when music saved my life. getting up at 6am after being awake since half three to write Rich a letter. for life to feel abundant and yet unfurling at the slowest pace. now is the time to set my sights on how i wish to take actions forward, and now is the time to focus on my needs and nourishment so i can take those steps forward in the time to come.

there is life to be lived with the friends who make you feel confident, supported, cared for.

we finally met again after four years! it happened. it was like magic, and it helped me remember who i once was and be accepted for who i am now by another!! it was amazing. i want to re-live it all.

live here, live from your truth. live for yourself, just live!

everything is coming together and i'm making things happen. even if it all doesn't go to plan, or i don't get a weekend with rich this weekend, i am doing everything for myself and for my mental health to move forwards in some small way or another. my body, mind, being, heart and soul are ready for something. that is with or without support. i know my own way forward, the path is dimly lit and getting brighter. just follow the inner torches. forget about everyone else. but also fully and deeply love when they are present. be present. listen. be there without wanting to solve. just feel and live and laugh and have fun. radiate joy! be happy!

you can do anything, you've got this. conquer. support yourself and life will support you!