the cold snow in my heart

i started drinking boiled water mixed with tap water, it helps me drink more while it's super cold. i hope that walking places tomorrow goes well. i am glad i have moved on from rich. but now i get to imagine and bring forth WHAT NEXT. 

fxck colonialism

watching Empire State of Mind, and ugh, just the stuff uncovered that is being told in the mainstream is good, but it still angers me.

i connected with my body in a more loving and tender way again, trying to get right down to my feminine parts. open and unlock my creativity. i wanted to paint today, but i feel like i never have enough time in the day. i think the key is to wake at 7 and go to sleep by 11ish. i think making the best out of the light situation in the darkest month to come is how i should play this.

i planted some seeds in a garden that will become two trees i will never see.

i felt super connected to life by planting five trees (several types) on wednesday. i was nervous, and it was my first time meeting the rest of her dance group, and i had a nice lil chat and the women at the back of the bus kept on offering me different foods and i didn't take anything but they insisted on giving me a sweet. and then chatting to the people of the charity was amazing. and i got blessed with the sun, i loved my body getting stuck right in and aching after. then i'm glad i got rest and then meeting with chris after two years. even though it was brief cos he was more interested in getting to his destination. it is what it is. old time feels came flooding back as mother's behaviours came back a lil and i spent time with them watching a quiet place 2. i wish i could talk to rich like i used to.

i am alive, i rejoice, i am here in this moment.

i get to breathe, i get to dance, i get to be goofy, i get to move my body, touch and connect with my body, i get to enjoy music and tomorrow i'll be planting a tree! i get to learn all kinds of things, and read and grow and meet new people. i am alive and all is well, i rejoice for the times i wanted nothing more than peace and quiet and not have to stress every single day. i am grateful for my now! i am open to life and opportunities, i am a moving current. i am i am i am!

things take time, it's alright.

this week of rest has been so thoroughly needed. it brought up huge grief but was a chance to sink in and then let go. i came out of the other side feeling more peaceful, but things are still shifting. i'm still in an in between. i'll find my way, eventually.

slowing down is a revolutionary act.

the seasons show us what to do, we only have to observe. a lot has been coming up for me, and i have an idea to write on a leaf "thank you, rich. i love you. goodbye." and let it go. today, i imagined releasing rich way across the sea as he disappeared toward the horizon. i let go of the parts of my past which helped me to survive but weren't good ways to cope in reality. i let go of what is not meant for me. i let go of all of that that has taught me and led me to want to learn. i thank all of it, but it is no longer mine to carry. i kept saying i miss rich in between spoonfuls of leek and potato soup. and all the while, it clicked, i am having to let go and do this deep process because i have always wanted, needed and lately i have also asked for more. and i deserve so much more. i deserve people who can at least meet one of my needs, not zero of them. who can be emotionally mature and have done/want to do the work to learn. there are people, and i've already called people in higher places towards me like shameme. i am getting there, slowly but surely. my thing is to focus on rest and preparing for next week's tree planting and chris visit.

there never has been any safety, some people do get safety, there probably won't be safety for me for a long while. there is an abundance of safety.

life is continuous flow and uncomfy with all i invite, but i go with ease within myself and that is the difference. maybe one day i will find safety with others. this morning the sun was blazing and i found myself feeling lighter and energetic and happier. i had a good meal with family, although i didn't appreciate the mother... but ya know, it is what it is.