the veil is thin.

i checked myself when i was veering towards old behaviours the other day, but through that time i also navigated clear communication and boundaries excellently. i honour my ancestors for getting me this far, so that i can do this work to heal all of us. i honour the gifts, the food, the comfort that they've given to me. i believe nature holds me, even when i feel like i don't belong, there are always tiny signs that give me hope in dark times. occasionally, rich good food is nice.

bahaha, the pain keeps on coming.

thank you stuart quigley, for showing me the kind of person you are. thank you for showing me that you, rich and andy were all way older males who were attachment trauma. thank you for behaving in immature ways, especially emotionally immature and continuing toxic cycles. i see the familiarity and why i'd be attracted to it at one point if that was what i grew up with. mentally ill people who don't help themselves and claim their sovereignty over the systems in which we exist in end up perpetuating the cycle.

i have already done this shadow work! so when it cropped up again with you, it caught me by surprise. but pretty soon after my initial reactions, i feel the disgust i have when i think about you and your unchanged parts.

decolonise your mind, give back the earth to women and indigenous people. erase white supremacy, white history needs to take a backseat in importance and you along with it. you guys perpetuate the violence both in men and in societies and systems.

i am a healing light, i shine despite you! go be disgusting elsewhere. 

oof.

that full moon was some intense energy. it threw me right off and down into a wave of grief. i was on the floor crying so hard, and then i sent rich a text after months upon months and i'm hoping it didn't send. everything was released for my highest good, i see it extremely clearly today. the people in my past have familiarity and i wish i could have had some of that life, but it never was mine and i've healed and overcome where they're at. i'm on my own path. and so, i took myself for a walk and took some autumnal pics, and i kept up the walking today too. and also dylan has been really nice to have voice message convos with on ig. his voice helped!

i'm realising something...

the support they had in the south west, yes it's what i craved and needed and wanted. but i've been redirected to what is true for me. white people support isn't entirely what i need. especially those that don't care about not having non white friends if they are white. community needs to be inclusive. and so those i've let go of are entirely mono and one type in their communities. now it's slowly happening for me in the right ways, i'm beginning to understand that it just wasn't my time or place back then and i am at peace with it. i miss people but they weren't ever truly my people. i trust and believe i will find mine, and i am. even online people seem to be aligned! irl, more and more so each week. things are clicking. i'm so glad.

rest, sink, burrow, please rest.

being is quite often better than always doing, remember to slow down. remember to pause and drink all that's in each moment. remember that you'll only be this version of you right here and now for a brief amount of time in the grand scheme of things. soak it all in. please allow your bones to sit still and sink into the earth and let it surround and hold you. you can pause. you can recharge. you can be called to it all again.

agency and fun.

i am having fun with tai chi and learning something new, i need to keep practising with that and some fitness monday moves. i'm glad i'm showing up, even if i'm uncomfy with the socialising aspect at times, especially early in the mornings! but hey, i'm progressing and it shows. everyone is lovely and supportive.

it feels like summer again today, and the sun's kinda out. it's warm!!! in Oct!!!

i want someone i can relax into and just quietly chat with

On Wednesday night, a new moon in Libra asks you to consider what kind of community — be it solidarity or sweet, simple friendship — has been missing from your life. This is your chance to begin addressing the absences, to fill the empty places in your heart. Then, on Thursday morning, Venus moves into restless Sagittarius. Love doesn’t have to feel so intense anymore, so all-consuming and liable to tip over into anxious obsession. It’s possible now to remember how delightful, how rewarding and fun it can be to reach out to others without any pressure or expectations, only a genuine desire to connect.

Aries Weekly Horoscope

Sometimes, boredom is best remedied by learning to see your life anew — to appreciate the ordinary pleasures that fill your days and find the wonder hidden in your routines. Other times, though, it’s a signal that you need real change, that the path you’re on isn’t big enough. Only you can know which is the case for you, but either way, it’s important to remember that your dissatisfaction isn’t unreasonable, and doesn’t mean you’re being ungrateful for the comfort and safety you have. This week, you’re allowed to want more, to seek purpose, adventure, joy.