i feel like it's the universe telling me; not now. maybe i need to explore my blocks anyway. time to get back into community and stuff. outside! nature! it's spring!
my stomach issues persist, i need to get that looked at. i'm allowing myself rest and gentle slowness.
oh yeah, it's been tough. finished where the crawdad's sing, cried cos of period feels and feels for rich. then got tired. r invited me for home made pizza last weekend and never followed through. we were supposed to watch a movie together as well. where is it that i want to go next in life? which depths do i want to explore?
oh yes, i am committed to growing my community, and kickstart my year off properly now. i want to find vulnerability and intimacy and fight for who/what i am passionate about. maybe i was self-sabotaging with rich. but i absolutely need clear communication so it wasn't a failure on my part, because maybe he did want something more, but just needed to define what and how it would work. he only told me what he didn't want, so we cannot work with that. i guess i might try again? i doubt he'll want to know but, it's either that, hope for someone else to come along. or go live in the wild like the swamp shxt, marsh girl i am! i feel this is the year i'm gonna get held like i imagine.
i've got that annoying tik tok song in my head. i keep having comfy, safe and caring dreams about rich. unexpectedly. i want to let go but everything about my is holding on. i let go with ease, i let go with peace. i am free, i am free. i just don't have the energy for life anymore - perhaps only because it is pre period week. idk, i identify with the isolated marsh girl. i need a pinterest board full of marsh/swap girl vibes.
yeah, weird things happened. stomach pain. sleepless nights, thinking about rich, missing my bus but then realising rich is opening lines. hmm. but then it was just a blip, things are on course for a renewal. seasons are changing, i know my worth and deserve to work with the good that shows up as i need. the mother being a bit argh, but she also went through an a and e urgent test visit - all okay for now. cat scan next month though.
so yes, i just gotta keep being a part of the community and seeing how i can help. i've always wanted to help people and i shall. on the balance, i need to connect with my body more and spend more time with myself - not being busy. i wish i had that care and support, i wish i had rich in a proper capacity but then, that was it - he couldn't give me that. it might have been better than nothing for most of the time i've known him. but i need more than basically what's not even the bare minimum. i can't and shouldn't just settle. i deserve a stronger base of support from other humans.
