remember why yr here, self-healer.

i am here to break generations of cycles of abuse. i am here because my ancestors brought me to this point where i no longer have to survive and i can work to help myself to thrive. i can have love, i can give love, i can be love. i am free, i am willing and able to make a different and better world. i am on the right path for me. i got this.

never settle. rest, and pick yrself back up.

 you've got this, all of your hard work is coming to fruition. believe it wholeheartedly and come back to the path that was meant for you. now is the time for you, it's coming and i can feel it. i will have things i need and have dreamed of. close and safe relationships, building upon my own existing healing. i aim for slow and steady and i am definitely getting there towards the light.

you come at me with razor sharp edges, i come at you with love.

she screams the house down, she treats us like the shxt on her shoes, she is childish and will never accept she has issues - she also probably knows she has and doesn't wanna face them. that's the kind of person she is. maybe her ancestors had to survive by being two-faced. but i'm glad me and dad supported one another. i'm glad that i finally told dad how i've been alone in life and i was forced to see my nan's dead body and i had no clue what was going on because no one had explained anything to me. much like everything in the rest of life, but i didn't include that. and he told me he assumed that my mum was teaching me the appropriate ways to live in this world etc and that my grandma being around was enough. yet he said yeah, i'd been sent to childminders and dumped at school for long periods, and that because he didn't have sisters or anything that he didn't know how to deal with raising me (the lil time he was around). and he said he can't go back and change the past but he can do things differently now. i told him it's a bit too late to have a huge impact, but y'know.

this is me.

notice the patriarchal patterns in yr life.

pivot away from them. pause and disrupt the automatic response. disrupt the compliance, don't act.

notice your feelings - what is your truth? yr true feelings.

act on those and voice those.

safety is not subservience.

inner safety = sovereignty. 

be and become.

embody, be in your body and less in your mind, go with your gut intuition and with the feelings in your heart. slow right down and listen. change up your routine with the season - prepare for when this is over. research, collate, build your comfort and safety in the little space you have. own it. be it. you have the chance to begin again and to become who you're here to be.

i am trying and i am resting.

maybe i've never moved forward my entire life? idk. but for now i rest, i am lonely even though there are messages and gentle reminders that the world and its people support me invisibly. i know i am interconnected.

you're not alone in all this, you're not alone i promise.

 i needed to integrate some painful things about my past and my reality alone. i don't believe i will be alone. i can feel and see myself being supported, held, loved and some of my needs met with the right others. it'll just take time and patience to get there.

for now, i focus on the joy in the small. the way the light hits the trees and the dew drops on them. the birdsong, the squirrel that comes visiting and digging up his stash a lil. i am blessed with these lil things, and doing inktober is fun.

made spinach soup just in time for my period, i have pizza in store for tomorrow - and a mini g bread to try! i am thankful for moving my body this morning, and now i get to rest during this time. i enjoy the time i have alone this week and i look forward to good things to come.

i let go.

 i don't want the current situation to go on, and i'm not happy with our past. so i'm leaving it for now. if he comes back when i am ready, then it is meant to happen. if not, i am grateful and i move on.