child brides and awkward eyes.

i am unlocking all this trauma that isn't mine. my mother married a man whose values were different to the ones her father allegedly taught her. but female empowerment is my mantle and i am doing it self healing style. most people don't think for themselves anymore, don't have a clue what capitalism is really doing to their brains. but anyway. i lead with compassion, care, slow and tender embrace. i'm basically a living breathing thing that the world needs more of.

yesterday, i met bumsley - dad dropped me to the park and then bumsley made me wait in the freezing cold for 20 mins nearly. i was frozen. but i got into his car and he intro'd himself and we sorted out food first after i asked how his journey had been. waited for food in the car, and walked together and went in masked ofc. he got the chocolate brownie cake and veggie pizza to share -- was good, but blueberry cheesecake better. then we just sat for ages and he likes chatting a lot and rambling on. but idk, he never maintained eye contact and hardly ever looked at me. i feel like he has issues, but that's okay. we went for hot choc and he had a tea or somethin' and we sat at another bench. then, after like 2 hrs in the freezing cold sat we walked for an hour around the entire park p much and we chatted. he seems to not like reading too much - and ofc it'd be non-fic or fantasy. he's not into music, he listens to classical in the car. he's into fantasy series and movies. but at least he knows what he likes i guess. just v narrow to me. he's odd for sure, but aren't we all in some way or another. he told me people settle for their lives p much and he said that his mates are a weird lot - gamers and boy types and their women are either gamers or homely. sean has eye issues and he was going on about the middle class. maybe i should write he said. then he was like we're never going through what we are alone when i talked about me, my abuse, the situation at home again. but i'm glad he was nice to show up, pay for food and chat and just be a presence. haven't been around other humans since summer. then we went to costa drive thru which took ages. and sat in the car park in the darker part drinking (another hot choc) and a black americano for him. he dropped me to the nearest hotel by 5ish and so we'd spent a whole 5 hours together. he said it'd been a good day and thanked me, i thanked him for coming and said i appreciated it. he waved goodbye.

it's interesting -- i don't understand his presence in my life but i like i am seen and known and stuff again.

imagine & envision.

just rest, lil one. slow right down and be mindful, be present and always find small joys - not just when taking time out in nature. be adventurous in yr imagination and find all of the things you want in your life. forget the things and people who are letting you down currently, and focus on finding or imagining better. you have done it before, and you can again. cut things out of your life that are unnecessary. find more time, more rest, and breathe.

we all need some italian love.

 we had authentic italian pizza, one four cheese, one with all the veggies. we had creamy mushroom tagliatelle and tomatoey garlic bread with fresh basil. the ingredients were so fresh and the tiramisu was lovely. worth a good celebration meal for dad's b'day.

i've been digging deep, facing sad re-realisations and trying to rest and integrate the heavy stuff. i enjoy f+tm songs lately. and lots of sleep.

i believe that whatever is coming will be better than whatever has gone.

hold onto hope, heavy heart. this season is one of shrivelling death and letting go of the decay. carve out yr space to rest, and hold on. i believe that love will come back to me with ease, like a warm enveloping hug touching the heart. i will find a way. i am thankful for all of the blessings i have currently.

whatever you face, face it well.

there are tools to build up resilience, there's grounding in nature and the magnificent spectre of hope. our memories and our imaginations can carry us through the worst of times, and with music and warmth - things will eventually turn around to be okay again. for a while, at least.

i don't know my place in this world, but i am not ashamed.

 there's a place for us all, and just because i don't know mine yet doesn't mean i'm not valid. i'm just grateful for all i have now, and all the beauty i get to experience. i will find a way, just going to keep taking care of myself and i'll figure it out.

i am longing.

 i long for your touch; just a hold, an embrace that feels like coming home. a gathering of hearts in a peaceful amber glow amongst the dusky and daunting atmosphere all around. i only want love and care, the rest does not matter. just a chance to rest in a safe place, to not have to carry myself in my entirety throughout my life. i am here, and i need a lifting hand sometimes. on the days i feel heavy, i think of you first always. when i give to myself i imagine you here giving to me too, so that i can replenish and look in on your needs and giving to you too. i think this is love, i hope it is. love is never enough to make things work, and i wish you and i could do the rest of the hard work together. i have asked in subtle ways. let us see, what is meant for me will stay for me. i hope you speak soon.