i am ready for life, and life supports me.

the changes my mother's making obviously impacts, but she should have done these things when i was 6 and they first spoke on wanting a divorce from each other. i have the power to cook more of my meals now, i keep in touch with friends and i work on my issues to resolve or move on from them. my healing impacts others, don't forget. i will figure this out and i know things are happening because i am ready for them in some form or another.

if it feels good, do it.

 i am who i am. i want you to know me, just as i am. i paved my way, was honest about my feelings with rich and who knows where that'll go. it's better to find out than just let it go forever. 

spread kindness like wildfire. anne frank was amaze.

there's abundance when you rest first.

 i love days where it's quiet and calm. i've watched the ending of sense8 and now i'm watching black k klansman, and maze runner: the death cure. i finished off another poetry book from my childhood, and started on my 9th moomin book of the series. i've replied to p, and checked in on bumsley. i had a couple of hours with rayon, and bananagrams with dad. it's been good. even got snickers and pizza in with the shop delivery.

what am i made of?

i've been dreaming of the bedroom my younger self would have wanted, and going back to wanting to be a child and being looked after by someone for a while - because i never really got that. i know i've been able to re-parent and nurture myself a lot, but humans are social animals and lockdown is just making me crave being cared for even more. it's a part of my process of healing, going back to the parts i wasn't ready for last summer. i emptied a lot of my top shelf in my cupboard and found the poetry books i used to absolutely love as a kid, as well as other books, and rhymes and stories as well. i found the dinosaur poem i was obsessed with!! i had a couple of hours of fun just going through everything from my very young childhood right up to college and a little bit of uni stuff. i'm gonna process all of this, nurture myself in the ways i can - get creative again with the poetry books and write my own again! and do some stitching and painting (which i had already planned for this month anyway.) i am lucky i am able to do this.

it'll calm you up alright.

live in this moment very hard. live it with all you've got. live it with enthusiasm, revel in your joy, your pain, your weird funk. this is you, being alive and experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions. and humans are finite and unique and worthy of every bit of appreciation.

you only get this time, so make it about tolerating the distress and suffering, to be able to feel and experience the good things too.

anything can happen, but making the day to day enjoyable are the true special moments in life.

i don't know what is coming, what's around the corner in terms of life circumstances; but i do know the resources i have now and what i can do to improve upon them to make a happy life (as much as i can) in the here and now. i'm lucky in many respects, and i never take that for granted. i'm so thankful on a daily basis for even the smallest things like warmth. so i should use these gifts in a way that is good for me now. i will find a way to make my ideas work in these restrictive times. i will focus on the things i can fulfil and commit to. i will be patient and hardworking, but rest a lot. i know i matter as a larger part of the nature of the world and i do not feel guilt for my existence. i will not be shamed or care about those who judge me. i am me, and i'm here for me at large - so that i am okay enough to do something greater. i love myself and have so much compassion for me as i work through some of my shadow parts again.

a project i can guarantee results and stick with?

1. reading.

2. writing.

3. learning.

4. cooking new things. beetroot choc cake again?

5. resting in new and innovative ways.

i've got this.

we take it day by day and rest.

 hibernation in winter is forced this year, but i'm making the best of it. i don't worry about the world and its madness, i worry about those around me i care for and for my own sanity and health, to focus on the things that i can impact upon and not worry about the rest. nts: i need to buy more re-usable face masks. how very roaring 20's.

where will i go now? i can't go backwards.

 this pandemic is actually hurting my body. i am exhausted by this cold weather and snow. i have been reading three moomins books so far this year. i'm cultivating rest and better times should hopefully follow soon.