onto the next.

these 6 - 7 months have not been wasted. they've been a tiny step in the right direction, just like finding out just unsupportive and ridiculing my fam actually are whilst living in ldn, or like how joining all the meetups were when i consistently went. just like i've stuck with this. i'm making moves, taking actions and that's the main thing. life works with you taking actions. even if the results don't happen for many more years. something will come of this. now i get to revamp into whatever i want next. which feels like using my voice in spoken word maybe? and being in the community garden projects, including hopefully tree planting with them in the autumn and winter! changes are afoot and not my own always either. but everything is working out for me. i don't feel guilt for food comfort and overdoing it. i feel so much compassion for lil me needing someone all of these years but only having herself. i need to look more at mine and belle/opal's msgs, they help. she helps. 

also this weds, i'm meeting will! and at tim horton's! finally gonna try their coffee! i need to select what i'm gonna try beforehand. then i've got that apple store appt, and hopefully they can look at it and fingers crossed it's just a battery replacement thing. then after that i'm hoping to go to the american candy stores and get a few goodies. i hope beyond hope i can taste grandma's cookies again.

i wanna be gentle and soften, open up my vulnerabilities again.

i keep feeling stressed and tired. maybe it's 'cause it's supposed to be my period from tomorrow. i hope things will be alright soon, i love it when i don't have stomach pain and feel refreshed from sleep. r has ditched me from the writer's that she invited herself to in the first place. then i'll do some shopping and come home and rest and binge tv and cancel again on ash. he's been really cool about stuff, that's how i know he's the direction i need to go. but at a good pace for me.

why am i irritated with life atm? is it pms?

idk what it is, but at least i'm staying productive. maybe because i've tried and everything (more or less) i'm sticking to is turning a bit meh, except for writing. i'm going to try the community garden and art group next and go less to monday and fri stuff. maybe a shake up is what's needed. r says she's not going to writer's anymore, and it's fxcking annoying me 'cause i never invited her to come with me in the first place, she invited herself. i guess she helped me get my footing there, though. mum and dad bickering over hols again, and i'm annoyed about extra booster i may have to have. even though scientifically, my age group has been proven v little extra benefit than our normal immune system. then mum's on me cos she's lonely and blah blah blah. 

so yeah, tomorrow i'm gonna cancel craft group and come back after lynn's 70th birthday songs. god, i hope it's not from the very beginning. i wonder what kind of chat it will be, general this time?

when i'm dancing, i am free.

i can choose anything, now the past has completely been let go. i have so much ahead of me, to what end idk. there's so much out there that can fill my heart. all i need to do is sit still, listen and figure out what my inner guidance is saying.

the road is not paved in gold, but in hard work and being present.

today was a mostly garden day, i made a lush salad full of veggies, had a fully fruit breakfast, and veg soup for dinner. planted all the veg and flowers outside now it's hopefully staying warm enough. watched a couple of movies. messaged a couple of people back. woahhh, all happening and all done in a day's work. tomorrow is dusting and hoovering and more movie watching and yeah, need to get will's email sorted.

the hardest challenge yet.

whatever's next that i've asked for is asking me to stay present and rest, slow right down and be here for myself and take care of me/fall in love with me again. i'm not sure about the whole dance fitness training, i'm not sure about poetry or spoken word anymore, i'm not sure about the company i barely keep. i'm not sure about the spaces i frequent (largely non-diverse). but maybe just being with myself might help clear things up.

tears are medicine.

he was never right for me, nor was he ever going to be! i accept that he got me through the toughest times with helpful pointers and check ins during my childhood, but that's all it was. just his stuff he dumped onto me other than that. i am glad to be moving on. today, writer's group was yet another quiz! i got the most out of all as usual, and then it was just chatting mostly apart from last week's hwk. then i got fobbed off about the upper mill trip next tuesday, and the wrong form given! but ah well, i may just not go in on monday at all. give that place a break, and maybe even the writer's cos i want to try the community garden (weather dependent.) i am moving on in all sorts of ways, yet the poetry workshop is on tomorrow and i'm nervous and excited. i hope it goes calmly and smoothly and i get something from it.

this is your life, you are on this earth too.

i've spent a lot of years dissociated, not even believing i was a person, because i wasn't treated as one. but i gotta remember this is my one life, and i get to do what i wish with my body and mind in it. i am so blessed, and i am so thankful for those blessings and i don't know what is next. but i know i gotta follow my passions, and my true, gentle and loving nature.i welcome the new with open arms, with curiousity and gentle compassion and care. i know it'll be more aligned, more true to me.