I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain but future pain.

We grow, shape ourselves, and change in varying ways at various times. It happens in spirals rather than linearly, but it is continuous as long as you are paying attention and moving with it with good choices for yourself. Even dark times of stagnation force you to look into your darkest depths and bring about shadow ego deaths sometimes.

These past few days it has come to light just how abusive my mother and her side of family have always been towards me. It has hurt me deeply and I don't know any other way than having to move out of the way and give up everything for others etc. They live such shallow, empty and deeply unhappy, unsatisfactory lives; full of comparison, lack, one-upmanship, trauma and pain. I am glad in the face of her storm yesterday, I was able to stay calm and patient like how I used to be as a child.

Self-healing isn't an easy path, especially when painful truths are brought to the fore once more. But I have to hold onto hope. Dad was talking about karma the other day, but unfortunately that's not really how it works. Bad things happen to good people, and good things can continuously happen to bad people. Not that it's that black and white either, everyone is just shades of grey. But that's the thing, am I really going to be able to transform in all of the ways I really need to in order to have a fulfilling life? I don't know.

But as the title says (lyrics from a Vanessa Carlton song) I can only but continue to try and do the things I have never done before, and approach things with bravery and adamantly. I will get somewhere, some time.

Strength comes from transforming pain.

I think my recent bout of my insides feeling rotten and all of the ills was because my body was trying to recover from major recent stresses, plus it was probably in the process of re-realisation. I have been wholly abused by my mother's family for most of my time on this Earth, and it was a case of seeing that in its entirety.

Looking back upon the past decade, things were so much different at the beginning than now, at the end. I used to be so unsure, I used to take their blaming, shaming, and hurtful words as the gospel truth, as if I was a bad and wrong person for being alive. I have cultivated safe spaces (no matter how small, how fleeting) and I have found my voice in jumps and starts. I have focused on self care, and getting back to the basics of being a healthy human. I have transformed what I once didn't know into an artillery of aid in my healing journey -- and oddly enough, I have always been healing in one form or the other. Even if I haven't understood or seen it as healing.

That three hour (in parts) conversation with the father last night just brought so much validity to my entire life, and the ways in which I've been mistreated. I got to understand from the father's perspective why he lacks friends and interests, why there's not been people around and how I've been isolated as much as them. I got to the bottom of that mystery, I had always had questions upon questions about that. He was telling me that my nan didn't want to be involved in that cult thing with the guy they all bowed down to, but she was effectively forced to go along with it seeing as she was living in their house and all. And also he let me know that at the time of her funeral (the weekend before) we had gone to their house for their prayer service thing, and VIP guy they bowed down to was coming. Dad had parked on their driveway, seeing as he's immediate family. But apparently he was told to move his car because this guy was coming. We also talked about S being seemingly unhappy living with her parents in the middle of nowhere, and we agreed A has all the good opportunities and how lovely and down to earth he (and we in this town) are, but that he's gonna feel the effects of his upbringing or possibly burn out young. Although we both sincerely hope not.

It was good to talk, to someone who; even though was passive and allowed the abuse to take place (because he's so v concerned about her taking half of everything -- and I get that, but so not worth enduring this all) he was there, and he saw how it all went down. How their fam only care if you've got an excellent job or a flashy car, only then will they show interest. And about how he noticed that the focus was on K and S, and nobody asked me anything or even showed a hint of an interest. He also said that he knew they blamed me for my mother's unhappiness back then too.

I'm glad I blocked thebxtch, I don't need that kinda negative vibe in my life. I simply don't have the time for it. It all feels like a big relief, and I am not going to Christmas at theirs either. My own wellbeing matters most.

Aaaand relax.

My body has been feeling slightly better and I can feel myself relaxing into relief after so many weeks of living in stress. I feel a bit more in my body, my mind is now more open and stable. I like each and every deep breath I take. Still, I must try my best to go get checked out by a Dr. I am so grateful for meeting up and having Pizza Hut. I didn't expect Chris to treat me to a whole meal! It was lovely getting another hug from him too. I feel blessed. The people who come along when you're not really searching for anything, and they stay, those are the most comfy people. I hope that I can move forwards in new dimensions of vulnerability, and asking for what I need. I have a feeling I can start building on things with people, one scary step at a time.

Change is a constant process. But rest is also needed. Don't stagnate but know when it is deeply necessary for your bones to rest a while, lovely.

exhaustive stress.

my body is telling me that my environment and the people in it are not the right things for me. i need to do what's best for me, and that has always (my entire life) been to leave here. even when my father said "we've never really been a family," back in 2012 after his eye operation. i have always known and it has been confirmed that I have always been alone in this world. i have never had anyone that truly has my back. i must have my own back to the point my health is no longer affected. i know, the world has always been an unsafe for me. but i have to find my way in it. somehow, i will find a way. please, get yourself out of stress and into life little one.

Rest, my dear one.

My body is telling me I need to rest. I'm tired fairly quickly, even though I sleep an average of nine or ten hours the past couple of nights and feel rested first thing in the morning. I have been taking iron supplements and eating lots of spinach and leafy greens, antioxidant foods; but still, something is not quite right. My body is telling me to slow, to calm. To remember my humanly ways first and foremost. Forget the typing, forget all of the things I want to get done. Just rest, just be.

I honour my human needs. I honour my body and listen to it with care. I ease into rest and recovery.

Nurturance.

Be an advocate for your own wellbeing. Listen to what you need, what you've always needed. Gain support, and cultivate a circle that will help you in your healing. Honour yourself over all of the survival patterns you have learned. You know what is best for you, you know who you are to your deepest parts, right down to your core. You no longer have to give yourself up to fit in anywhere, you can meet your own needs and wants. You no longer have to rely on others to give it to you. Make a life for yourself. If you're abandoned when you go against your normal ways of being thus far, then you can get through it. But self abandonment is the real killer, so never abandon yourself. So always choose yourself, you've got the power to move forward. You can navigate life yourself, and the systems that are maintaining the status quo. Make sure your basic needs are met and try to go against the grain as much as possible, to try to help create a new and better world. Connect to your body, honour your emotions, re-parent your inner child, set boundaries, step up your self worth, embody your empowerment - don't be scared of your power, cultivate it. I'm the authority over what's right and best for me. I will put this into practice. Self-ownership. Grieve for all of the times you've abandoned yourself, gave yourself up to fit in or survive. You are a sovereign being. You can choose better patterns. You are where you are at, so build good foundations, stay open, and go from there.

Validate and differentiate.

i can control
my energy
my choices
my behaviour.

keep in a mindset of growth and excitement when around family.

1. It’s impossible to please everyone.
2. It’s OK for me to do things differently.
3. I only have to handle this moment.
4. My mother is responsible for her own experience.
5. No one can upset me without my permission.
6. I am not responsible for making my mother happy.
7. I am always at choice in how I respond to situations.
8. I can remove myself from a situation if I’m uncomfortable.
9. It’s OK if things don’t go as planned.
10. Choosing an empowered mindset is a major step in my healing.
11. Approaching the holidays consciously is a gift to myself.
12. I commit to loving myself no matter what happens.
13. No matter how my mother treats me I will not abandon myself.
14. I don’t have to take the behaviour of others personally.
15. I am always safe within myself. All is well.

It's okay that they haven't changed. I don't need them now to take care of me, I am doing it for me now. Plenty of evidence that I'm good/safe without them. Like self nourishment, gentleness. Lots of self-care. Inner child work, and inner mothering. Don't replicate the ways in which I was mothered. Don't blend with inner child completely, be with my little being, but stay aware I'm still the adult. Contingency plans, prioritise self, and if they do something terrible - respond to inner self saying I will not react and do something else instead. They're adults and I need to prioritise myself, they make their own choices and I can pull back and help myself.

Chocolate and Raspberry Scones.

Kindness touches me deeply. Unexpected kindness is even more of a magically lit firework. I feel appreciated, seen, loved. I feel understood in some sense; and it feels like it has crept up on me although it was always slowly building up and now flowering into bloom.

At first I felt conflicted, but now I feel relieved that I don't have to explain myself (I never had to, but I would have felt like I'd had to) and how I got here through all of that mess. I felt confused and into non-trusting patterns of feeling/thought when he said he already knew my address. However, I allowed myself to feel the feeling, and understood my past stumbles and mistrust of others isn't my narrative with him, and that it is all the things of my past. And soon after, I was able to relax into trust and feeling so thankful and in amazed awe.

No one has done such a kind thing for me personally, in such a long time (last Jan, PJ and the Cat book). I never expected them to be here in the post (although the mother received them from the postman) the next morning. I actually thought because of the lack of follow-through from not meeting up this year, that this wouldn't be a thing either.

Then, as I tried to free the container from the tightly wrapped packaging - the anticipation, the excitement. A layer within a layer, then attached to the box itself. Very efficiently and neatly packed. I opened the tightly sealed lid, and inside was like grease proof baking paper sheets and a wadge of tissue - the blue kind. I peeled them back to reveal not two, but three decent sized scones! The ones I had seen unbaked the previous morning in picture form. They looked very delicious, with chunks of dark chocolate all around and a single raspberry on top. I ate a crumb here and there before digging into a chunk at room temperature for lunch. I ate the rest of that one and it was very moreish. Not sure how much sugar and butter went into it but it was incredibly tasty. It wasn't that dry, but also had the consistency of scones, and it was airy and light. Only a while into chowing down did I feel it like a satisfying weight in my stomach. I love how it landed so beautifully in my tummy. I was worried initially, having had some fruit shortcake biscuits for breakfast that I'd have too much gluten/sugar/carbs. But really, the scones felt so fresh in my mouth, and felt wholesome and good, honest food that they went down well. I honestly felt like they had been made with the hands of love. It tasted like he'd made them with his heart and enjoyed making them. I know originally when making them the previous morning, he wasn't intending to make any specifically for me. He'd said that there were two left at the end of the day, and then I got them and there were three! Which was a nice surprise. I got extra!

Just everything was lovely about him and them.

Let It Be.

People are always gonna be as they are, until they have the awareness and want to change. It's sad that this is the case, but it is what it is and what will be, will be. I am more quicker to realise what kind of pattern a person is stuck in, and how it doesn't align with where I am at. Now I am learning to walk away with ease. I wish the other people well, and I continue to focus on the people who lift me up and add things to my life, not subtract.

Metamorphosis.

If something makes sense to you, it means that you're not alone. Because how can something make sense if it is not in relation to anything else?

The metamorphosis we go through starts within our minds. This can change our cells and the way in which we react to our environment, which in turn changes our behaviour. Over generations this can be seen, and then one day, someone from the original cell of change will look back. Look back and reflect at what once was, and regret what could have been. That is the uniqueness of humans. We can look back on change with sorrow, and feel fear on what is to come.