think about it differently.

 i've been afraid to ask for help, so i finally did. i focus on my joy and pleasure to liberate myself. forget who has come and gone, forget my mistakes. now is all i have and i can get back to a new me. change is how life is, so i must flow, surrender, and have faith + discipline.

hold yr own

 i had to get things done and it was my first day period today, but since i've been taking things very slow and tending to myself since Monday, today ended up fine. and since i stood up for myself and chatted to dad and t and cashiers at the supermarket etc, i think i'm okay for the next few days alone. i aim to have a phone call with chris. think i'll ask mark. then ash, hopefully. go hang out and see r and them one day in their garden. catch up on loads of telly. do netflix etc. make soup one meal. pizza. all good.

i'm not afraid of my past anymore.

i can speak up about how things affected me in the present, and i've dealt with my past. i have a voice now. it's interesting, feeling more confident that i've moved onto a whole new level. unfortunately, it means leaving most people in my past behind eventually. or keeping them at a greater distance.

this recurring dream is haunting me.

 i want to be on a hillside on top of your car bonnet watching the stars pass by on a clear night. i want to work through things with you, even if there is nothing more to it than friendship. but you don't communicate well, and it's frustrating. what are you hiding, is it shame or is it who you are? maybe you're a player in other ways. maybe you know all of your bad habits and don't want them to affect me. i see all the ways in which i wouldn't choose you. is it time to let this go for good? i want something, but idk what with you. if only there was a clear headway in communication. i'm not that important, it's clear.

meanwhile, i went and advocated again for my health needs. hopefully i will get listened to by the dr on monday. i am tired. i spent four hours outside and it was exhausting. i went to boots and made headway, i got some much needed essentials from the pound shop.

part of me wants to celebrate. part of me wants to just cry and cry bucket loads. part of me just needs to rest and prioritise my health. part of me needs to be seen and known and lean upon others. 

i want more balance and more time.

last one on the line.

 to love is brave and beautiful, to be vulnerable is to open yourself to love. i go all in, but for myself first. and i'm falling back in love with my life and all i can do for myself -- regardless of anyone else.

can i make this work?

maybe all i have to do is continue living the life i have now and finding small joys. idk how to make more out of being alone. idk, maybe the answer is to deepen connections. maybe it is to walk away and start a new life entirely? maybe it's somewhere in between. i don't think we were meant to know about so many people's perspectives and lives as human beings. i am confused as to what i can realistically achieve.

i didn't have that one person.

watching the ian wright doc on "home truths" about growing up in domestic violence and emotional abuse. everyone seems to have one person as their support at some point in their earlier lives, but i've still not got one person.

this week i've felt depressed, i've ate a lot more, i've not rly been outside. something is happening within me, and i'm trying to get back into my body but it's not safe enough, my body is trying to protect me.

body, the body knows, get back to the body!!

i never have enough time so i need to just staaaaaaahp and slow down. i wanted to prioritise reading and messaging will - which is well overdue now and meh. i don't regret spending time with dad, or getting shizz that needed to be done finished off. or making pasta chocca full o' veggies. i'm glad these times ain't over yet, more chance for isolation and slowing down. the uk media is making it seem like the virus is basically over rather than helping other less resourced countries immediately with most of all its got. pure selfish greeeeeeeeed. ugh.