changes, rearranges.

this life is definitely supporting to me to move on from my path. i've been bold and brave in taking actions aligned more with who i am, being vulnerable a little in safe spaces, and holding myself accountable to my health related practices. slowly but surely there's something new coming. it's weird to know that this part of my life may soon be at a chapter's end. but there we grow, and there we glow!

i am showing up differently for me. i become what i've always needed.

it's worth trying peer support stuff, but really i'm on my own. i need to try and fill me up before i can give back to others. made spicy butternut squash soup today. paul passed away on thursday night. no one really wants to chat to me on friday social's but they're okay chatting in general. i won the quiz this week and i also did a one on one session with dance. i'm really exhausted and just need sleep. i think brett broke up with kathryn in august at some point. i miss rich but i'm not going backwards in life. i will find the people i need.

there's method to this chaos. it's all coming up to purge and release.

loads of people's shadows are floating about. it started w knowing the mother chucked out my bowl. then slammed doors and heating argument. then it brought out unsavoury aspects of him, and me, and then i had a tough week last week even around the dance fitness class and opening up. this week i turned things around, leaned into healing and i spent a lot of time out and being productive last week anyway. sun charged and ready for something new. i'm being pulled towards these women, i'm scared about everything changing so rapidly. i go slowly, i go with my breath. i remember in each moment i can choose differently, i can focus back on my health again. i am being supported by life. i am brave and vulnerable, soft and strong. been invited to the women's dance fitness whatsapp groups, i'm witnessing the behaviours of those around me. the mother acts neutral when she wants something. dad takes out unaddressed emotions on an innocent guy just tryna get through his day of work. i am healed beyond them, and rich. and pj was a step in the right direction but i always will find bits of the familiar. i just trust myself and what i want and need more now over people pleasing and staying small and quiet in order to survive.

nature is grounding. speaking my truth is empowering. i can do this.

remember, schedule!

Life is like a box of chocolates, innit.

i want so many things to change for the better, but i know it'll take more hard work. today, i wanted jeff to ask me q's instead of being a self serving person who took my time, my precious time where i could have asked lucky more about what she did after college. she said she might come back to the monday class after her barge trip this monday from portland. she was playing pool with the guys. and then r played with this woman -- and it was nice to be around everyone for the quiz. even got some tasty chocolate sainsbury's b'day cake in a heart shaped napkin cos it was one dude's 40th. i think i must be the youngest there. at least i chatted w r walking down. she goes counselling once a month, and then she was talking lots about the centre and her book she's reading. and how she wanted to publish poetry.

i watched crazy rich asians. my period finally came, 38 day cycle eep. just gotta hope it evens out. i tried the B&J's Netflix and Chill'd flavour - pb ice cream with salt and sweet pretzel and brownie chunks. a lil bit of nom.

themother didn't say a word, but i'm sure she had come in my room while i was out as the door was closed differently than how i usually do it.

i tried my period knickers for 7 hours now, it feels so wrong but so nice at the same time. i'm about to go wash them out and then see how quickly they can dry (see if i can wear them once again tomorrow?)

unsteady, but hold on.

i gotta stay the course, the discomfort means there may be growth. i call past my limitations, i become. in the process of becoming it can feel like a rake through the organs. but it's natural, change can be an upheaval process. keep going, lil one. 

today's dance fitness class was more challenging in some ways, i was more self conscious, i was shy, i held back a whole lot. i was scared. i don't know really. but i met Pat and she was lovely, had convos about gratitude. and she went off on a tangent and said she saved some guy from suicide. we talked about heather (her daughter's name too) - the plant.

we don't always need to accomplish but yes we've got to get through this.

i need to relax my body whilst going through this period of change, i went to my first dance fitness class on monday - i was the only one out of two who participated the whole way through. i'm scared that this place isn't the right one but i'm sticking with the 7 remaining weeks at least. tomorrow's quiz thing will be interesting, to see who else accesses there. remember to look out for new ways of being, try and be authentically me, and relax.

beat goes around and round, it's the sound of the underground.

went walking in bolton abbey, was a wonderful day for it. i believe in my path and the new and exciting things ahead. i'm glad rich is gone, maybe our paths will converge at a later time but i don't hold hope. i'm nervous about tomorrow but i should be fine. i am bold, i am brave, i am amaze. i've got this.