my focus is on the new and getting rid of the old/letting go.

 i move differently and feel differently today. i am remembering more of old me and core me and how they used to be. i am gaining my fiery spirit once more, and am determined to shed the old in order to make way for the new. letting go of what is not meant for me. today i ended up clearing my clothes cupboard out again and felt good about it, i got productive and spent a few mins on searching for beds. a little bit every day goes a long way.

in order for me to visualise my new room and who i'm becoming; as well as letting go, i need to envision who i am and what it'll feel like to become her. i have a chance to begin and begin how i should have already begun. this time is my time and i'm going for what i want and need.

i believe in who i am becoming.

doooov it all again.

 is it me and my fears or is our past in our way?

i miss people, so i've started getting back in touch with them. also, i've been ill and chris keeps trying to tell me i may have covid.

today i went out for my walk late afternoon and the old lady was about and she said hello so i say hiya back. i think we chatted for a good 20 mins at least. she was telling me that she goes on walks twice a day and in diff places. she lives at the end of the walkway houses from my end. things haven't improved with her daughter since our last chat. apparently her daughter's had a fall and can't go work as an a & e nurse but she won't go and see anyone herself. she used to be an a & e nurse herself, and she told me that you just get on with it and don't think about it when i said that that must have been traumatic. she told me that her first husband was serving, and he got shot in the head and died straight away. she said she has several kids, two who moved over to the states on the west coast. we chatted about mother daughter relationships/friendship and i called her lovely and she called me lovely! she told me that i was the only person who'd talked to her all day. i told her i believe that kindness makes the world go around and wished her luck with my fingers crossed and finally told her i had to go. after we had discussed life after covid, and wanting to go to warmer weather in the states. and all sorts. love her and am blessed i met her again.

take care, lil one.

 everything is telling me to slow down, allow myself to process and move through my body. to feel my feelings and be gentle, be tender. come back to myself, be more mindful. i love the sun, i love the small parts of nature i get to witness. i enjoy making soup with my hands. i like moving my body and listening to music while i do so. and allowing myself the rest i really need. restoration.

balance.

remember all of you is connected. the mind and the body, the heart and the feelings. feel fully, take time and space even in your current situation. eat well. sleep the right amount for you. nourish yrself. move. take care of your emotions, be around others.

eat only when hungry. eat light in the morning so take time to cleanse. hot water and lemon.
nutrient dense and bigger meal at lunch. loads of veggies.
animal protein at dinner, biggest meal. listen to what yr body needs.

there is time, keep being here and doing what you're doing.

i've been feeling sad that i don't belong in this world, but then i am reminded that my time is coming - things can't stay as they are forever. i am gonna keep being me, keep doing me and i will get there; even if people who conform don't understand, they may eventually. i am loved, i am valued, i am worthy and deserving and enough. I always will be.

uhhhhhhhhh

i have no idea. i'm just really not sure we're compatible. i wrote my concerns a whole year ago, but he continuously avoids going through difficult conversations and his one-liners annoy me because it's nothing more than banter and friendship with his extra benefits. idk. we get on, he cares about me. we do have fun chats. idk!!!

getting back to the basics and the self care.

yes, i have been remembering the past. but i also need to come back to knowing how much i have conquered and overcome. i did that. i am still on that path of self-healing and i will get back on track, small step by small step. already started that with making my yellow pepper soup, placing boundaries with the mother's outrageous behaviour again (she hasn't had it in extremes since before covid!) and also with just relaxing into the flow and rest. not worrying about what i didn't get done. the things and people that stay are still awaiting. i will get myself to them, i trust in my timing. and i believe in my bigger picture.