poly, anger, park, freeing yrself.

life happens, when things break, they all break at once; when things change, it's a subtle swift motion the eye never detects, but then all of a sudden everything appears with clarity in full view in front of you. i knew there was a reason i had a good/warm feeling about alex. we got on quite well on our walk in the park - one on one time is just what i needed. it was lovely trying to feed the squirrels, and then feeding the ducks. going on a walk with his natural lead. talking about all kinds. i enjoyed it.

and then finding out he's been poly for fifteen years. didn't i say i hope something good, like hugs can come of it? and voila, he asked for consent and hugged me and i loved it. i needed that. just wish it was a longer and more calmer, not at the end of our time embrace.

so yeah, all was alright...moving forwards, still missing rich.

and then, today, another massive blow up because i don't trust themother's behaviour since she repeatedly broke down and binned my lantern like 12 times, me having realised every time, sometimes twice a week. then she'd moved my plant pots and taken them from their supports today. i panicked and asked her where they were, and dad came and then he went off on one. telling her to leave, he'll call her bro to come get her, or then asked her shall i call your sisters. he seriously blew up, told her she needs to leave because she repeatedly (even today) says she wants to. she went into victim mode, and couldn't admit that moving my plant pots was the wrong move - esp with everything else she's done my entire life to erode all trust and safety in her presence. things settled though. but she'll probably get rid of my bike next, since she's brought it inside.

i'm sad that every week is a battle. literally, this was the only day of rest i had after a super busy week, and i have one day to myself tomorrow thankfully. but yeah, just need my space and time. dunno why things blow up all of the time. i don't like feeling the anger when things feel unsafe and boundaries are continually crossed.

sustain social.

it was the final scheduled crochet workshop, but sarah's keeping it going as long as she can. i'll be glad if she brings the slipper socks pattern for next time, if it's relatively okay. plus i'll ask her to show me the circles.

and yeah, on monday i showed up and it turned out i was taking craft group. but she didn't have napkins or a hairdryer so i made do with what i had and showed them some decoupage. demi and debbie thanked me and people said they were enjoying it.

alex and i talked boardgames and he brought in some cake biscuits. we exchanged numbers and he was enthusiastic about going to the park to see ducks??? but i jumped on it, but idk, not heard from him since weds. maybe he's waiting for me to ask? will see him tomorrow at boardgames.

then i keep feeling bleh about rich in spots and starts. i feel maybe we were never a good match/would never fit in each other's lives. but boy, i wish i could understand whether the love between us was something we could have worked on. made our own kind of thing how it suited us.

i did double crocheting, i need to look up triple and whatever else there are. apparently, online american ones are different stitches to uk ones. so be careful if going off vids.

slowly going towards art again.

spent the whole day in the sun, p much. got my pastel chalks out, did a lil sketching also, as well as finished my line of crochet. need to look up double stitch before next weds. got help with the bird box, still needs a higher placement. cleaned up literal dirt from step ladder. sat and read more alien not alien mayhem. tried veg noodles, spicy chips, katsu chicken curry with crispy chicken sesame pieces for dinner from oodles. loved it.

yesterday a guy called darshan cheered my heavy mood up, i'm in a transition to something more beautiful from the ugly stuff. he was chatty and nice. got to go through the ordeal of getting some new glasses though. bby, you've got this. you can do it.

tomorrow i'm going to boardgames, looking forward to that.

hands resting on your chest.

playing with the chest hair.

soft tender touch.

we love.

but for now, i nourish myself.

juicy ripe mango

chocolate galore.

we thrive when we give to ourselves.

it's crocheting tomorrow! i did a whole row going back on itself by myself! progress!

didn't go craft group on monday and had a sunny garden rest first period day.

all the care, self care here.

do it from love, not for love.

i don't know why i'm so bloated lately. maybe the bread from earlier in the week. i miss loving on people, gently, softly, with my whole and full heart. i miss seeing my softness. i miss my wisdom that flowed through and out.

the pandemic changed things for me, so so much. and obviously i'll never get to go back to her, then. but that was what was building anyway, for me to launch into life anyway.

wednesday i re-learned the first stitch of crochet - it was nice to be there. i love sarah and anne-marie there.

thurs boardgames was fun with owen, sonia and ej. i hate that it's moving to that exploitative craft lady's place. but y'know - they wanna expand, so i see it their way too.

i think i might be doing decoupage on monday and i don't rly want to without being prepped. sunday got sketchbookers, so gotta make the most of my rest day tomorrow.

the world isn't as it was, i'm also not how i was.

change, it broke me open and now i'm on the threshold of all new. or i'm supposed to turn it into something new; not go back being pulled into old patterns.

met up with ash yesterday, casual normal boring convo; but i got to try the toffee hot choc from tim horton's. then i opened my b'day gift from him -- not chocolates, but a fxcking phone! samsung galaxy z flip 3. so not okay, i am going to have to do the harsh realistic convo next time i see him. 

but we did go walking in alexandra park - it's beautiful there.

today, i got to watch a few movies and inner me so needed that. i miss rich though, he is the one i want truly. just an open and willing rich, who communicates. i hope one day.

sometimes we get challenged to see how far we have come.

oh my, yesterday morning i woke and i was like, yep - another chapter of my life beginning - i even had a major chapter name The Great Lesson after The Great Sadness being my first major chapter. And all was going swimmingly, until I had to spend hours wringing out my clothes because the issue with the washing machine that's been there for 9 years (and mum nor dad never bother to resolve it properly) made the drain and spin not work. i'm so glad that dad helped me with the heavier items, and he told me in africa they used to help their mum out wringing out stuff. i felt sadness and cried late at night after that, weird release. then today, our dinner nearly went on the floor. another strange test. what is going on?! An adventure a day, keeps a new chapter coming??

Anyway, I note my resilience. I got stuck in there with my clothes. I found a way to save the burgers; then dad helped save the chips. All is well. Just hope it's all smooth tomorrow cos I have an appt with T and then board games again! Can't wait to see Alex, just hope I don't dissociate again.