watch me while i bloom

family stuff went surprisingly well - and i was authentic as possible and people seemed to like me. i think they found it easy to talk to me apart from s's friends - hah weird. i loved the woman from canada, i think it was special talking to her. niraj and bianca, aww. it was cool he lifted the lid on why he quit cheffing, the lifestyle really is terrible. surprised that he's working for whsmiths though. louise and i chatted more than we ever have, though not much one on one, then i brought up modibodi to s, and louise chimed in saying she has the m&s period knickers. nice to hear updates from a and seeing his hair grow longer. he was tryna push onto me to have kids to "continue on the bloodline" ew. yeah, i watched a doc on incels and it's scary when i hear ppl say old timey stuff like that. and yeah, intrigued to hear that s's cousin spoke so highly of me. her other half was brill though, being from huddersfield. and talking to him - cos he went on the roles in their marriage but that they're not necessarily happy with it but kinda cba to change, well it made me realise how much i have broken out of all of that and i'm glad i've forged my own path and not stuck being married and having kids and having a naff "career" although capitalism is to blame for that one. i have had a huge crying few nights. grief about rich, on being a vulnerable child, on having no one and getting myself through everything. then today, writing course was about childhood and bam. that reopened some wounds, plus i think i have started my period today - so not the right time. i'm glad i got to spend time at college today though, better than our wooden spoon people in craft group. next week we're doing felt sewing octopuses and the week after i think we're doing stained glass something on candle holders.

anyway, tomorrow i wanted to go to the vale to try out kitsugi, but i can't cos i rly need to slow down and rest while i can. i need to ring and find out if they'll do it in a couple of wednesday's time when i can go. laundry day tomorrow other than that.

y'all good? i'm tired.

i want more time to stretch out, for other people to not take my sun spot 98% of the time. for the slow and stillness to resume. i'm glad i'm trying in small doses, at least that's something. i approach old situations with new enthusiasm, instead of dread. family stuff is only low stakes in terms of one day and one night for time. but big stakes in that it'll be all their family and friends there too, ppl i haven't seen in years. but i'm happy in myself. it's but a challenge to where i'm at now. all i'll be missing at the vale is headdress and mask making and finishing bird box stuff / painting.

boardgame central

i loved meeting robert/rob today, reminded me of pj. he talked about recently moving to the city a couple of years ago (sam a couple of months ago from burnley) and how he likes his standing bike and does cardio by walking up stairs and taking the lift down. he insisted on shaking our hands as well haha. i like the affinity people have with certain parts of me. and glad i chose a hot chocolate with r today, my tummy is still being icky. i think maybe just wean off of much food and let it relax. sam and ppl were cool, it was nice chatting and finding out a bit about them. played three games - cockroach poker, coup three times, and then colourbrain last. we had to skip out for the bus when they were setting up bandidos??? i think it was that anyway. hope i see them again. alejandro wasn't there this time. didn't get my poptarts, they had three meh flavours in over the rainbow and then candy crunch only had strawberry ones which you can get at the supermarket anyway.

vulnerability, come on.

i need to make friends and be able to ask them for basic needs like hugs to be met. i have had stomach pain since last night, but i didn't eat anything massively wrong. maybe i need to cut out gluten/wheat. i made falafel in wholemeal pita bread with shredded carrot and shredded red cabbage with hummus, i forgot the red pepper though. everything is so busy and i just want time to do nothing by myself. light is returning, the warming sun is beginning to return - i want more time. but i'm building.

you know what to do; put it on repeat, put it on repeat.

i am so tired but so honoured in creating and envisioning and helping out in community. tried my hand at tie dyeing a tote bag, then building a bird box; used power tools with that and hammered away and all sorts. it's been so much fun, and my body felt the power and strength needed for it. i am tired now, plus getting up early didn't help. but i have nourished my body with lots of veggies and am recuperating. i love that i can do things i never would have imagined myself being able to do. i love the encouragement and support. i am thankful for each moment i get to try new things and enjoy them. ash was being wishy washy and not knowing whether he should come or not. think he needs to speak to me about whatever's going on for him. i still miss rich, he's the one i wanna tell all about that i'm doing. i reckon he'd be beaming too. i miss having time to relax by myself. tomorrow busy, monday, then tues, maybe thurs, def friday. weekend busy, following week busy, and the weekend. it never stops.

there's a light up ahead.

time to focus on the new, on building and becoming. he's gotta lot of hurt, if he sorts through it eventually, maybe he'll be back before we both die. but perhaps not. many people don't do this hard work, at least ash wants to learn and try. let's figure it out, step by step, bit by bit. we can build a beautiful life cos anything is possible.

i accept and understand you love(d?) me in yr own way.

ahhh, love. it was complicated when i was a child. and i've unlearned and learned so much since then. now i hold my own and won't accept less than i know about it. ash is actually suggesting sourdough baking, pottery, painting classes and an italian wine and food sampling evening, whaaat. he's actually come up with several decent ideas, and maybe we'll get to see the stage version of the ocean at the end of the lane at some point later this year.