I hope that you, my reader, remain safe and well during these troubling times too.

I've had slumps. I had to go and get food yesterday, and people were still being idiots. I reached out to P also, so far they only have a curfew over there. I got some ice cream that could easily rival B&J's. I've continued reading and journalling, I miss full embodied dance and singing but my mother's been around. Last night Rich and I went deep into honesty. I have much more to talk through with him. It seems like this lockdown may last 6 months in variant forms. I miss the freedoms. But I am also angry with those who treat people as nothing, and capitalism as everything. Everyone's basic needs need to be met. I know I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

Years and years from now, I wonder what people will think about this period of time. They will never truly know what it is to live in these times.

I hope you reach out, if you do read this. I'm on my own, always. Idk what I'll do if I am literally completely on my own.

Now, the healers step forward. Life in the times of Covid-19 II.

As the world shuts down, globally markets are leading us to a Great Depression, as people panic buy and people lose jobs in this uncertain world, as financial help isn't distributed equally and racism becomes even more rampant towards some. There are those of us who can step up and lead the world to the ways in which we can all calm our nervous systems, to the ways in which we can hold compassion for ourselves and others, to the ways of making the most of what we've got, to finding pleasure in all things small, to mindfully noticing and doing, to deep breath work, to the simple things that most of us take for granted on a daily basis.

My feelings flow, I mostly am in a state of calm and my energy is on high abundance right now. I can cope with all that's happening because I have been through these uncertain feelings in my own personal stuff. I've already got my routines down, when I feel anxious and lonely/alone, I can move through those feelings a lot more easily than I used to. I can journal and cook and walk and appreciate all I have currently.

I hope people realise that humans are responsible for their own selves and then for the world. It's capitalism that is responsible for many a dark day we're having at this time, but if humans worked on themselves (and had the time to) we could all become more evolved to make the changes for a more better world.

These are the things I've hoped and wished for so, so long. And even though surveillance and all kinds of measures could be ramped up at the end of this period in time, we can choose resistance, we can choose to band together and come forth for those who cannot. We can choose to change the world with how we spend money until capitalism fails. We can bring forward the importance of humans and the land we live on over money, power, greed. We can come back to our natural selves, and move to live in a society that no longer cares about image on all kinds of levels.

We can do this. I can do this. I'm doin' it. I wanna be in the thick of it with others who are doing it too!

Frazzled (Life in the times of Covid-19)

The beginning of this week looks drastically different to the end of this week.

What can I say? It feels surreal at this moment, but I think that's the sleepiness from menstruation day one. I have been stressed, scared, feeling vulnerable, feeling immense amounts of love, feeling embodied, graceful, loving, giving. I have been FEELING!

It's amazing to be human, the amount of things we can feel. The amount that I can feel and release and be resilient. Whilst the majority go through panic buying and anxiety en masse, I can deal with my feels and move through them (although worth noting; I haven't done as much movement as I'd have liked -- and now it's my period so I rest!) I have done a lot of hard work, and it shows. What I have cultivated within myself, a lot of people still need to figure out. I feel like once I am able to handle the stress factors, like say, as the months go on in this pandemic, I can reach out and be there to help.

Right now, it's possible I am going to be called to the front line. It's most likely coming since one staff member self-isolating for at least a week. Possibly two. My body is feeling the stress and anxiety of others, and of the potentials I know may happen in my own circumstances.

I am more centred, and have softness for my mother rn. It's beautiful. I still maintain all of my boundaries, but now chat when she is able to be soft too.

Tenderness, the human spirit, people coming together. I love seeing all of this.

This week I have remembered more from my childhood, how freeing it felt. How alone I mostly was so these times don't bother me that much, but that child me had plenty of fascination and endless love. I know whatever comes, I have my own back and I know I can get through this.

I got worried about Will and he's since emailed me back. I am yet to check in on Rich, but I want to be able to hold space if he has stresses and worries (which means I want to be present with all of me, and that is not yet.) I feel like he's possibly doing the same.

This tonic may calm your nerves.

If people have more time and space, and are social distancing. We may all collectively have time to get more aware and self aware. Which could create a foundation for true change. I hope this time can help us move away from capitalism. I hope we can all slow down and just appreciate nature more - even a simple sunrise or sunset. Appreciate the earth and each other, be there for one another and check in.

Weirdly, last night I remembered much of my childhood.
Today, I have remembered how I used to love being a small part of a society. I used to love being on the bus, used to love hanging out with my grandma etc.

I remember being a moody and strange teen.

Remembering good things, and not just what I've been without.

Ya feel, ya release.

Tears fell, I felt cleansed and release. In pleasure as well as grief. I remembered who I used to be, I integrate her. I know and can feel I am healing. I long for another who loves me in different ways than I love me. Body, touch, heart, and more.

I am love.

I love myself deeply, so I love others deeply. I am here for myself, can do things for myself with ease and practice (learning curves) so that I am more readily able to help others. Life is a puzzle, but we unravel it and figure it out as we go along. The importance of knowing oneself is understated.

Commit, stick!

I commit to telling the truth for every day for the rest of the month. (Future-self journalling, get back to basic model.)
It's okay if I falter, I don't need to know why I often skew the truth. Just that I want to change this behaviour.
I'm guessing this means more embodiment and more checking in with myself.
But I can do it.

I know what I want, and I ask for what I want. I'm not getting any less.
A committed but not full blown relationship, if he ever asks/we ever meet up again.

I am here for me, and I meet my needs and ask the world to align with that.

I support myself.

I was feeling confident and then stress took over after a mistake that isn't really a mistake, just a decision that I didn't fully think through + toxic salespeople. I tended to my inner child but the night before I'd hurt my back (need new mattress) and stress plus pain is not a fun place to be in. I could hardly sleep, woke up with my fists clenched and jaw tight again. The trauma from my past needs to move through my body, so I made sure I did my workout this morning before meeting Will. He was waiting outside the cinema, and I was in the ticketing office bit (after being like half an hour early). Blaaaaaaady hell. Also, idk if another mistake happened with the ticketing but I guess I will find out. I offered Will chocolate raisins and we saw Parasite (which took more than 2.25 hours because of the stupid ads/trailers.)

Chatted with him in a Caffé Nero across the way after, and spent 1.5 hrs with a window view on the top floor. He got me a hot chocolate because the woman asked if we were paying separately or not and he jumped in asking if I could find some seats and he'd get it. Daaaaaaaamn, I have to ask him to help me with saying no and pay separately. Friends who learn together and grow together are the best ones (more on this later.) But yes, standing on my own two feet in my own power is needed a lot more this year.

So we talked about the movie on the way to get coffee. It's one worth watching again because although it was a film that tried to be a bit of everything, it had some gems in there - and melodrama true to Asian culture. The message on not having a plan in life and then whatever happens is okay, was a good one. And the symbolism of the guy and his rock. Many other things I need to note somewhere. The art therapy! How the poor are pitted against each other under capitalism. The irony he ended up in the same place as the other poor couple. The endless gore etc.

The Will and I chatted inside. About his ghostly encounters (mirrors smashing, dog barking incessantly, Ouija boards) and the serial killer story he's done. He drew Sinead O'Connor and it was age/fading beauty duality he was trying to convey. We talked about Buffy (he hasn't finished S1 yet), he was gonna watch the basketball tonight (Raptors! - He commented me on my basic knowledge of it) Talked about how I don't think of the future, and how he thinks of hating thinking about growing old. Mentioned my crochet and new story and how depressing Outliers is. On not belonging, and how he's felt the feels too.

He was on about his complainy/clingy friends and he leant £10 to Liam which he shouldn't keep bailing him out. I told him to stop, and when he was like, he still talks to the Polish girl who always complains about boys (bahahah, I know so old me). I gather why Will feels like a true friend. We talked on self esteem and doing things for ourselves. He wanted milk with his coffee but never asserted. Gah. I see things so clearly.

I told him of my growth, I told him stop talking to Polish for a month and it'll get easier. I told him to think on what he gets out of these interactions and to analyse this honestly for himself as to why he still keeps them in his life. The 'nice guy' excuse fallacy. I smashed it saying people need to learn on their own and not have you as their crutch. I have been on both sides so I'd know. I shared my nuggets of wisdom and checked if it was okay to give advice and he seemed to be listening intently and getting it. I think it's just the enacting of the things he wants. Even paying for my hot chocolate, did he really want to?! Gah.

So yes, growth together seems to be a path possibility for Will and I.

He was getting a bus from the Shudehill bus station and I walked with him. He told me he lives in a house share but is thinking of moving back in with his 'rents in April - if so, I wanna make all the Bolton trips. He says he eventually aims to live in MCR. Then we encountered a homeless man who was fed up with the people on spice etc. who'd lost his daughter to cancer not long ago (a yr) and wanted some change. I only had 1p ugh. Will gave him a proper shiny. Then we hugged and we may go to Wahaca some time. Woo.

I love life and living. I can conquer and I've got my back through anything.