The things that hurt you don't define you.

It's weird, but it's a revelation that anything that has held me down or back in my life so far is just a thing that's happened. The story that I carry forward about it is what matters the most, I know. But, none of that sh*t affects me any longer! The things that have hurt me have been my pivotal points, where yes, I've made mistakes, but I've learned a lot on who I want to become (as opposed to how/who the people who have hurt me are) and how I want to live in this world. I get to make the choices (in so far as life allows) to go do and be the person I want to be. My situation may be of living in a deprived area, but I still have my intelligence, my creativity, my care of people and my strong dislike of society's systems that I can do something with all of that put together. Practice is key, patience is a must. But I know that I am going somewhere amazing.

It's been a journey. But through the hurt and the pain, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have learned, oh how I have learned.

Reflections post weekend.

It's amazing, to see from my time away from my family in the capacity that I could control (not their invasions that I couldn't) how much I've healed; how much their stuff didn't affect me much in the slightest. I did have a few bouts of dissociation and a tiny trigger of not belonging feelings, however because of the healing I have done, I was able to just note things as they were and be like "okay, that's them." In terms of how fake they were being, how they were discussing bs stuff, old memories etc. I am not bothered that they don't ask me anything, or don't enquire how I am and what I've been up to much at all. I love that they don't have the capacity to appreciate me for me, because I love myself so much more fiercely because of it. That, and I'm also grateful for my capacity to be my own family, my own self care etc, that I've gotten this far on my own and I love who I am. I empathise that that's just not who they'll ever be and that I can be my own family, and maybe make my own.

They can only give in the ways in which they do, and I appreciate that more now. My need was met in that I was around people at the weekend (not isolated yet again), whether they were fake or not. But I felt a lot more detached in the healthy sense. Especially when thebxtch and bxtch 2.0 surrounded me and asked what I'm doing for my birthday and then piled options that reflected what they'd want to go do; like go to The Ritz, and I smiled inside and just honoured myself and said, "that's more your thing, not mine" and when thebxtch asked about the gilet, I told her I took it back and got things I'd wear. I went with the honest approach and I love myself entirely for staying in my integrity.

I liked having an almost adult discussion with A, which was awesome he's quite mature in being able to discuss things like the economy and boomers and all kinds of shizz. It all started because of some comment he made about boomers, and I was like "I hate the boomers" (thinking back, even at the time I thought that hate was too strong a word but nvm) and then I went onto saying about the systems they've created, how they've not done much to help the planet etc. He was defending them, saying they're victims. I validated his viewpoint (I got where he may have been coming from) but I also said that at the end of the day, we're all human and whatever generation, we're all gonna make mistakes. It's up to us to choose new and better ways or more destruction etc. And then while we were eating, he started changing his tune and saying he doesn't like boomers for this, this and that.

It was good to see A doing CSS, which although quite a bit similar to HTML, it seemed more pernickety. I enjoyed having the three slices of pizza hut deep pan pizza with mushrooms and sweetcorn, and the eggless birthday cake with cream, jam, and chocolate sprinkles.

Puffins.

Puffins pair for life, but they only hang out with each other in breeding season. That's the kind of relationship that I want, (I mean, not the whole just coming together for sex) to be independent and doing our own thing and coming together to support, hold space, love, care for each other and be together in quality time and acts of love.

I want a puffin partner.

Also, I had a sort of friend remind me that changing our beliefs about ourselves can empower us and change our lives. And I'm happy to be being a friend and there for Sun - the Juice factory worker.

Peace, self-love, solitude.

Make the most of silence, the quiet. Because life will ram up against the tides and things will speed and you will get carried away. Now is a time to maintain loads of self-love, self-care practices and accountability in holding and creating good habits. Your nervous system will work for you if you allow it to relax. I'm glad this morning I allowed myself deep stretched out rest in bed until I gently got up. And I tried to move slowly with my workout, going at a snail's pace with plenty of rest in between. Everything has a time and a place. Cultivate the energy and what's going on in yours right now.

I let go of you.

Because you are not for me. I hate when inconsiderate people who never communicated their feelings just go and do the same shxt again, but I know it's about them not I. It just shows their character. But the people who have stayed are the right ones. I don't understand it, but Rich keeps on choosing me. I'm scared but I will have to find out sometime soon. The circumstances and people who are meant for you will never pass you by.

I let you go, because you disgustingly took yourself off without so much of a nod after having seen and read my most personal and intimate stuff.

Lighter Life.

Everything is flowing, open, expansive and there are many possibilities ahead of me. Maybe I'll check out the boxing ring. Maybe I'll learn more about serial killers in Britain, or many other things I've always wanted to explore. Today, a surprise warmth of the sun gave me a renewed outlook. I can aim for whatever I want. Life contains endless possibilities and I get to choose which truths to carry and revolutionise.

It'll be hard work, but I am ready. I wanna be silly, fun, light, full of joy. Continuing this day's antics again.

Revolutionary Life.

Be different, but anchor in the homecomings of your surroundings and the people that you love. Everything is an adventure and the more unfamiliar you get with all of the things you know, the better you can move through this life. Keep up with excitement and bravery. Get there through practice and perseverance. Life is a long road after all, keep on continuing to live in all facets of life.