life, what next.

i have no idea where this chaos is leaving, endings left un-ended, new things peering at me with full force - too much force for who i am. re-realising trauma identity. not sure what to do next. all i want is safety, in people, in time alone, in space. i wanna get back to nature tomorrow, if possible.

“Even if you have it all together you can’t know where you’re going to end up. There are too many forces, as deep and invisible as tides, that keep us bouncing into places where we never thought we’d wind up. Sometimes the best we can hope for is to be graceful and brave in the face of all of the changes that will surely come. It also helps to have a sense of humor about your own fate, to not think that you alone are blessed when good fortune comes your way, or cursed when it passes you by. It helps if you can realize that this part of life when you don’t know what’s coming next is often the part that people look back on with the greatest affection.”

― Ann Patchett, What Now?

allow it all to unfold as it should.

my past keeps a-knockin'. i don't know what it all means. but i've been sick with a cold for over a week now and i'm just allowing rest and nourishment. i want to get back to me. now allow the past to seep in, maybe it's just a test. to see i've learned my lessons. i hold hope for whatever is coming, it is all goodness.

breathe with ease and peace.

i know what i gotta sort through and i am thankful for the opportunity. life and people support me, i am interconnected and what will happen is what unfolds.

it's getting dark, let's stay here; until the day re-starts.

PG Woodhouse said that "when writing a book, you should think of your characters like actors in a play. Imagine them reading the script before signing on. If they read the script and realized there wasn’t enough for them to do, they would walk out."

Also, read this on wwwwwhyyyyyyyyyyyt

song to check out: These Are The Good Old Days by Courtney Marie Andrews.

“I RELEASE FEAR and move forward with faith.”

today, i began creative upcycling - learned how to stencil on a sanded / smooth block of wood. firstly chose stencils to use and napkins that i wanted to decorate with. i then (should have but didn't) taped the stencil to the block of wood. a bit of black paint was given for us to share. using the yellow non-abrasive part of a sponge, dabbed black paint on it till it was very fine layer and not soaking on sponge and stencilled the word "p e a c e" to the middle of my wood. i used a template that said prosecco but moved it for each letter i needed; and made the 'o' an 'a' using a bit of paint and a small headed brush. sanded down the black bits of ink that weren't meant to be there with a tiny bit of sandpaper. then i cut one square off each napkin. took the two ply under layers off, started with the bird and dipped the small headed brush with water and went around what i wanted of the bird and gently allowed the wet paper to rip around the area i wanted. then using a big headed thick brush and some (what i imagine is like if not) mod podge glue and applied the glue onto the wood, to the spot where i would place the bird and gently let one side of it fall back on to the wood. then lifted the other side of the bird that wasn't stuck and did the same, all the while getting extra glue and applying layers on top so all would smooth out and rounded the edges around the plank of wood and made sure the edges and all white bits were thoroughly glued so they weren't so white. then did the flower napkin pieces along both sides of the bird with the same method. with the flower/plant napkin pieces i wanted to use most of it so cut it to the wood size and made sure i didn't leave any straight edges when doing the water/cut method cos apparently the straight edges show up when the glue is settled. then after that, dried with a hair dryer and applied another layer of glue all over. then dried with a hair dryer and did the same three more times. none of our table could get the screws in on the top of the wood to tie the string into it to hang, but the lady - Jayne - who does it all, did it for us and we finished. i am quite proud for my first attempt at stencilling like that and decoupage. i messed up the a, but hey, ho. it's alright. 

there was a Norwegian sounding woman and a dude with long hair on our table. she was rather meddling in some ways haha.

anyways, meeting will at Gooey tomorrow. 

what leaves, leaves. what stays, remains until the next letting go.

processes always in tandem, of letting go, maybe holding on and giving a chance. never black and white. i started some writing course thing today. i have got scratchy throat. this weekend will be for rest. i'm debating on going to writer's tomorrow.

staaaaaahp eating meh stuffs.

what is underlying my urge to take a bite out of everything unhealthy? forget about me deserving better, my body deserves better. i can feel a well of sadness ready to burst up; maybe it's just pre-period feels, maybe it's grief or feels on the changes forthcoming. tomorrow is the first full week with mum home. since the first day she's been home, she's been a lil disruptive. i have to be on eggshells around her. she closes doors with a shove all of the time, today - v nearly on me/my face. she leaves her mess everywhere, has always done so. leaves the tv on all day when nowhere near it. yet anytime i'm away or leave my stuff for 5 mins (to go eat, to the loo etc) she's always on at me. usual double standards. today she had a small spat with dad. i am tired of all of the unhealthiness here. it isn't helping me. it's like going backwards.