sensations, boy.

 i feel the end of the month is an end of a chapter. i walk on. it's really interesting, but i think i'm building up to something new, something different than ever before. i will figure it out on the way.

always keep an eye on who you want to be/become.

i always go back to my mistakes and act out in integrity from who i want to be/become. i challenge myself to face my pain/shame/embarrassment etc and always feel the feeling and feel into what i want to do despite it. sometimes i can be congruent, and i'm learning more and more to do so.

it honestly looks like rich either knows he's been playing games, or he's really not ready or willing to do the hard yards. it's time for him to step up or it ends.

there are so many paths.

 it's funny my mother thinks i am sponging, when i literally was given no other options in life. instead of seeing how she's set up for the next generation, OR the fact that she didn't hardly parent at all, she's saying i sponge so her dream life in retirement and the home she's built (meaning material home) can't be her dream life and oh noes. 

i'm trying to see how i feel in approaching rich to remind him i care and i am willing to have a convo. but i feel like leaving it for now. idk.

born into bad times.

i made indian sweet pancakes today, i am proud. my first one was round, whole and almost perf!! dad did half of the frying and then i did the rest. it was nice working together. tomorrow, the mother's home for the rest of the week. so i will rest. i am tired anyway.

death is coming in your cab.

i've tried to talk to rich and go in from a place of love but he's not at the place i am in life, and he seems to be dug in with his issues. he reminds me of brett, and i'm so tired of it. between his ignoring behaviours and what he told me about his violent past, i don't think he is someone for me. yet, i think because i'm coming out of the abuse - it's a bit like a deer out of headlights, wondering what it really was and being confused about how much he used me vs what his kindess was all about vs his desperation etc etc.

i've been through this process before, i can heal and move on. it'll take time, and i don't miss him. i miss what it could have been. but he's not capable of moving towards working hard to being healthy with me.

balance rest with doing. being vs doing.

i want to spend time doing things i love like reading, and a lil time doing things like challenging myself to walk out in the snow storm. but i need that balance between doing the things i love and doing things that challenge me. so i sleep more and i read more, and i challenge slightly but less.

and breathe, and relax, and remember you're setting up for better.

i've pretty much ended things with rich, i may give a chance for final says and thank yous and goodbyes. but i think it's done, and it feels good. i don't tolerate abusive behaviour/things that may not be abusive but are exact stonewalling behaviours that don't help and only remind me of my trauma. there are healthier ways, and communicative ways. so yes, now i make space for the people and things i do choose. i'll get to my people eventually. i make the most and am grateful for those i have now.