Mistakes.

Everything you go through, if you're able and capable, eventually leads you back to who you truly are. Some people get lost or loop around in a sort of limbo never to return to their true selves, living out the frightening horrors of what life can carve out of human beings. I've been unravelling all the bullsh*t, and finding amazing aspects of my core self; my actual identity. It's been like sifting through a wave of mist and fog, and now it is finally lifting and clearing. I have always been a born writer, sure I am now rusty and out of practice of the true talent. But I believe I am here to share a story. My story. I never knew much about Alan Bennett (I knew of him just not his works in detail) until recent years, but his plays inspire me of my ability (for as long as I can remember) to observe humanity in all of its shades, like he has done. The ways in which he describes and feels.

Today it dawned on me that I have huge attachment trauma that hasn't been fully healed still. My clingy tendencies have actually taught me throughout the years. It's the letting go part which I have a problem with, and those that I have really attached to (and I don't mean really in a light way), have been my most valuable lessons in letting go. I totally understand in full my need for attachment, I truly get and honour that need in me. I hold compassion, so much self-compassion for small me who was never even seen or treated as a person - a real human being. She deserved only the best, but I'm the only one who can give that to her now.

I have noticed the people who I have a real pull to, often are the ones that I shouldn't be seeking to get attached to in all honesty. Trauma bonds and trauma wounding unresolved. I see it so clearly now. I forgive myself and others for acting in the ways in which we have. But now is the hard part; not the seeking to understand, not the forgiveness, not at all. Just in the letting go.

Life is more than me. Maybe one day some other person will come across my writings (even 13 yr old me's writings) and feel an affinity, a spark of hope, a sense that they can make it through too.

We can survive anything, really. Death is the only thing we don't get a choice with, the rest is up to us on how we choose to transmute our energy through life's ups and downs. It's just sh*t storms and rainbows. Just all of the lovely sh*t storms and rainbows.