It's amazing, to see from my time away from my family in the capacity that I could control (not their invasions that I couldn't) how much I've healed; how much their stuff didn't affect me much in the slightest. I did have a few bouts of dissociation and a tiny trigger of not belonging feelings, however because of the healing I have done, I was able to just note things as they were and be like "okay, that's them." In terms of how fake they were being, how they were discussing bs stuff, old memories etc. I am not bothered that they don't ask me anything, or don't enquire how I am and what I've been up to much at all. I love that they don't have the capacity to appreciate me for me, because I love myself so much more fiercely because of it. That, and I'm also grateful for my capacity to be my own family, my own self care etc, that I've gotten this far on my own and I love who I am. I empathise that that's just not who they'll ever be and that I can be my own family, and maybe make my own.
They can only give in the ways in which they do, and I appreciate that more now. My need was met in that I was around people at the weekend (not isolated yet again), whether they were fake or not. But I felt a lot more detached in the healthy sense. Especially when thebxtch and bxtch 2.0 surrounded me and asked what I'm doing for my birthday and then piled options that reflected what they'd want to go do; like go to The Ritz, and I smiled inside and just honoured myself and said, "that's more your thing, not mine" and when thebxtch asked about the gilet, I told her I took it back and got things I'd wear. I went with the honest approach and I love myself entirely for staying in my integrity.
I liked having an almost adult discussion with A, which was awesome he's quite mature in being able to discuss things like the economy and boomers and all kinds of shizz. It all started because of some comment he made about boomers, and I was like "I hate the boomers" (thinking back, even at the time I thought that hate was too strong a word but nvm) and then I went onto saying about the systems they've created, how they've not done much to help the planet etc. He was defending them, saying they're victims. I validated his viewpoint (I got where he may have been coming from) but I also said that at the end of the day, we're all human and whatever generation, we're all gonna make mistakes. It's up to us to choose new and better ways or more destruction etc. And then while we were eating, he started changing his tune and saying he doesn't like boomers for this, this and that.
It was good to see A doing CSS, which although quite a bit similar to HTML, it seemed more pernickety. I enjoyed having the three slices of pizza hut deep pan pizza with mushrooms and sweetcorn, and the eggless birthday cake with cream, jam, and chocolate sprinkles.
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