Saying goodbye is really saying hello.

This morning I woke up after a good sleep, which could have been more restful had my mother not been an inconsiderate person as usual when she woke up at 7:30am so she could get ready for her early start. But, I have been realising that Rich and I are not on the same page and that that's okay. I deserve a lot more than he wants to give, and that is okay. His presence and love has reminded me more of who I am and I am thankful that he's always been around. I reckon he's more normal nowadays, and more privileged and white stuffs than anything, and that means that unless he's willing to go through all of this with me, he can't gain access to me. Basically, I'm now going to say that it shouldn't happen unless or until we're both in a similar place - if that ever happens. We'll always care about one another, and he's helped me to understand who I am and the struggles I face. And that my lack of white privilege means it's that much more harder for me to overcome than how he has managed to mostly overcome.

I took time to rest in the sun, closed my eyes and half slept. I wanted to gently begin to pick my energy up, so I danced and sang and worked out and sang more! I loved that the sun was warmer and here longer today. I sat out and read in the garden. Things are not happening as I thought they could, but I know now that that's totally fine. I will find a way IRL somehow, I'll find people and things and stuff.

Maybe this new world will help me come to the fore. I wanna share what I know and have learned and integrated. (I think more shadow aspects came to light this morning and I think I'm integrating those things.) I need to understand and get serious what skills etc I best learn in this time that can help me move forwards after all of this.