child brides and awkward eyes.

i am unlocking all this trauma that isn't mine. my mother married a man whose values were different to the ones her father allegedly taught her. but female empowerment is my mantle and i am doing it self healing style. most people don't think for themselves anymore, don't have a clue what capitalism is really doing to their brains. but anyway. i lead with compassion, care, slow and tender embrace. i'm basically a living breathing thing that the world needs more of.

yesterday, i met bumsley - dad dropped me to the park and then bumsley made me wait in the freezing cold for 20 mins nearly. i was frozen. but i got into his car and he intro'd himself and we sorted out food first after i asked how his journey had been. waited for food in the car, and walked together and went in masked ofc. he got the chocolate brownie cake and veggie pizza to share -- was good, but blueberry cheesecake better. then we just sat for ages and he likes chatting a lot and rambling on. but idk, he never maintained eye contact and hardly ever looked at me. i feel like he has issues, but that's okay. we went for hot choc and he had a tea or somethin' and we sat at another bench. then, after like 2 hrs in the freezing cold sat we walked for an hour around the entire park p much and we chatted. he seems to not like reading too much - and ofc it'd be non-fic or fantasy. he's not into music, he listens to classical in the car. he's into fantasy series and movies. but at least he knows what he likes i guess. just v narrow to me. he's odd for sure, but aren't we all in some way or another. he told me people settle for their lives p much and he said that his mates are a weird lot - gamers and boy types and their women are either gamers or homely. sean has eye issues and he was going on about the middle class. maybe i should write he said. then he was like we're never going through what we are alone when i talked about me, my abuse, the situation at home again. but i'm glad he was nice to show up, pay for food and chat and just be a presence. haven't been around other humans since summer. then we went to costa drive thru which took ages. and sat in the car park in the darker part drinking (another hot choc) and a black americano for him. he dropped me to the nearest hotel by 5ish and so we'd spent a whole 5 hours together. he said it'd been a good day and thanked me, i thanked him for coming and said i appreciated it. he waved goodbye.

it's interesting -- i don't understand his presence in my life but i like i am seen and known and stuff again.