this recurring dream is haunting me.

 i want to be on a hillside on top of your car bonnet watching the stars pass by on a clear night. i want to work through things with you, even if there is nothing more to it than friendship. but you don't communicate well, and it's frustrating. what are you hiding, is it shame or is it who you are? maybe you're a player in other ways. maybe you know all of your bad habits and don't want them to affect me. i see all the ways in which i wouldn't choose you. is it time to let this go for good? i want something, but idk what with you. if only there was a clear headway in communication. i'm not that important, it's clear.

meanwhile, i went and advocated again for my health needs. hopefully i will get listened to by the dr on monday. i am tired. i spent four hours outside and it was exhausting. i went to boots and made headway, i got some much needed essentials from the pound shop.

part of me wants to celebrate. part of me wants to just cry and cry bucket loads. part of me just needs to rest and prioritise my health. part of me needs to be seen and known and lean upon others. 

i want more balance and more time.