what is my life though? idk.

i woke up remembering walking around outside school on my own, remembering never feeling safe, never seen, always neglected, maybe abused. born to parents who never sorted their stuff out and so i have to deal with whatever it is, meanwhile i'm a ghost in this world. i don't get it when people see me, when people ask me things. when i feel annoyed by others for being ignorant about me because no one ever tried to get to know me, never asked me anything. how much could i have done as a child not knowing, or even knowing? my parents probs have mental illness/def trauma. what am i then? i don't get my descent into a black hole again, even though things are moving on irl and i'm doing loads each week. i still have my writing group hwk to flesh out. the funding spots for training to be a dance fitness instructor will be coming months away. the community garden is open. things are happening and at the same time, i'm switched off to social media a lot and i started playing cozy grove. maybe i don't want anything in life but to bide my time until the worst comes and then hope i go too. idk. what is my life?!

also, josie and i were alone and she asked me for culturally sensitive ideas (how ppl who aren't whyt shy away from the place cos they feel it's too white focused - i agree!) for craft group and i went rangoli and pat came and we all chatted ideas, pat said aboriginal art dot style. i chatted with josie after and she opened up about her mum's psychosis, and then how she was a military/army wife and they had choir but then after giving birth she had postpartum depression and it's interesting hearing her story about psych wards and her mum staring at her constantly, in her own world, staring in the garden at a tree trunk. and then how she barricaded her room cos she was scared by her mum once. and how she used to hang out at a friend's parents' caravan place most of the time. and her mum making her room a craft room. how she went to uni to do drama or something, and how she didn't do so well at school and college with exams cos she's not so academic. talked about all this whilst doing dylan's mother's day card. and community garden with the centre won't be any time soon so it's best i go on my own but it clashes with writer's group. maybe when the weather is guaranteed good i'll go there instead of writer's.