poly, anger, park, freeing yrself.

life happens, when things break, they all break at once; when things change, it's a subtle swift motion the eye never detects, but then all of a sudden everything appears with clarity in full view in front of you. i knew there was a reason i had a good/warm feeling about alex. we got on quite well on our walk in the park - one on one time is just what i needed. it was lovely trying to feed the squirrels, and then feeding the ducks. going on a walk with his natural lead. talking about all kinds. i enjoyed it.

and then finding out he's been poly for fifteen years. didn't i say i hope something good, like hugs can come of it? and voila, he asked for consent and hugged me and i loved it. i needed that. just wish it was a longer and more calmer, not at the end of our time embrace.

so yeah, all was alright...moving forwards, still missing rich.

and then, today, another massive blow up because i don't trust themother's behaviour since she repeatedly broke down and binned my lantern like 12 times, me having realised every time, sometimes twice a week. then she'd moved my plant pots and taken them from their supports today. i panicked and asked her where they were, and dad came and then he went off on one. telling her to leave, he'll call her bro to come get her, or then asked her shall i call your sisters. he seriously blew up, told her she needs to leave because she repeatedly (even today) says she wants to. she went into victim mode, and couldn't admit that moving my plant pots was the wrong move - esp with everything else she's done my entire life to erode all trust and safety in her presence. things settled though. but she'll probably get rid of my bike next, since she's brought it inside.

i'm sad that every week is a battle. literally, this was the only day of rest i had after a super busy week, and i have one day to myself tomorrow thankfully. but yeah, just need my space and time. dunno why things blow up all of the time. i don't like feeling the anger when things feel unsafe and boundaries are continually crossed.