We grow, shape ourselves, and change in varying ways at various times. It happens in spirals rather than linearly, but it is continuous as long as you are paying attention and moving with it with good choices for yourself. Even dark times of stagnation force you to look into your darkest depths and bring about shadow ego deaths sometimes.
These past few days it has come to light just how abusive my mother and her side of family have always been towards me. It has hurt me deeply and I don't know any other way than having to move out of the way and give up everything for others etc. They live such shallow, empty and deeply unhappy, unsatisfactory lives; full of comparison, lack, one-upmanship, trauma and pain. I am glad in the face of her storm yesterday, I was able to stay calm and patient like how I used to be as a child.
Self-healing isn't an easy path, especially when painful truths are brought to the fore once more. But I have to hold onto hope. Dad was talking about karma the other day, but unfortunately that's not really how it works. Bad things happen to good people, and good things can continuously happen to bad people. Not that it's that black and white either, everyone is just shades of grey. But that's the thing, am I really going to be able to transform in all of the ways I really need to in order to have a fulfilling life? I don't know.
But as the title says (lyrics from a Vanessa Carlton song) I can only but continue to try and do the things I have never done before, and approach things with bravery and adamantly. I will get somewhere, some time.
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