I think my recent bout of my insides feeling rotten and all of the ills was because my body was trying to recover from major recent stresses, plus it was probably in the process of re-realisation. I have been wholly abused by my mother's family for most of my time on this Earth, and it was a case of seeing that in its entirety.
Looking back upon the past decade, things were so much different at the beginning than now, at the end. I used to be so unsure, I used to take their blaming, shaming, and hurtful words as the gospel truth, as if I was a bad and wrong person for being alive. I have cultivated safe spaces (no matter how small, how fleeting) and I have found my voice in jumps and starts. I have focused on self care, and getting back to the basics of being a healthy human. I have transformed what I once didn't know into an artillery of aid in my healing journey -- and oddly enough, I have always been healing in one form or the other. Even if I haven't understood or seen it as healing.
That three hour (in parts) conversation with the father last night just brought so much validity to my entire life, and the ways in which I've been mistreated. I got to understand from the father's perspective why he lacks friends and interests, why there's not been people around and how I've been isolated as much as them. I got to the bottom of that mystery, I had always had questions upon questions about that. He was telling me that my nan didn't want to be involved in that cult thing with the guy they all bowed down to, but she was effectively forced to go along with it seeing as she was living in their house and all. And also he let me know that at the time of her funeral (the weekend before) we had gone to their house for their prayer service thing, and VIP guy they bowed down to was coming. Dad had parked on their driveway, seeing as he's immediate family. But apparently he was told to move his car because this guy was coming. We also talked about S being seemingly unhappy living with her parents in the middle of nowhere, and we agreed A has all the good opportunities and how lovely and down to earth he (and we in this town) are, but that he's gonna feel the effects of his upbringing or possibly burn out young. Although we both sincerely hope not.
It was good to talk, to someone who; even though was passive and allowed the abuse to take place (because he's so v concerned about her taking half of everything -- and I get that, but so not worth enduring this all) he was there, and he saw how it all went down. How their fam only care if you've got an excellent job or a flashy car, only then will they show interest. And about how he noticed that the focus was on K and S, and nobody asked me anything or even showed a hint of an interest. He also said that he knew they blamed me for my mother's unhappiness back then too.
I'm glad I blocked thebxtch, I don't need that kinda negative vibe in my life. I simply don't have the time for it. It all feels like a big relief, and I am not going to Christmas at theirs either. My own wellbeing matters most.
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