i've felt huge waves of grief and sadness lately, and it's a culmination over new perspectives of the past, re-realising what it was, the love i felt when it wasn't healthy - despite the unhealthiness and all the longing for the things i never received. like just being seen for who i am. and now i am around ppl who have helped themselves and help others and stuff, i feel slightly seen but they still don't really get me. i miss rich a lot, it's pre-period times so it probably explains it. but i don't get where to go from here. it's like, i don't want him back and all that toxicity he never kept in check, but i want that lifelong sense of kinship even if it was part made up by both of us. idk. life is always difficult but i'm trying.
tomorrow i get to clay tile properly. wish me luck.
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